Jarod Kintz
This is it, this is my biography. The story of Jarod Kintz begins now.
Let’s knock out the trivial first. I was born in Salt Lake City on March 5th. Now that you know my birthday, please feel free to get me birthday presents. Notice how I used the plural, presents? More than one gift would be greatly appreciated. Appropriate gifts include gold coins, bars of silver, and large tracts of land (preferably beachfront property). Or you could just buy me a drink—soda, natural, because I don’t drink either alcohol or high fructose corn syrup.
Skipping ahead a few years, and a few hundred miles, we come to Denver, Colorado. For a few years I attended Mackintosh Academy. In the second grade, along with English, I studied French, Spanish, and Japanese. Out of all those language classes, I remember one word: Andrea. That was my girlfriend at the time, the one who left me for my best friend. I guess I remember two words, as I remember his name too, but his name is almost sacred, as a name that shall never be uttered.
Right after second grade ended my family moved to Jacksonville, Florida. It was Jacksonville that I would come to know as home, and would attend the rest of my schooling until college.
At this point I was a mediocre student. I believe I had a perfect 2.0 grade point average from third grade until I graduated from high school. My favorite classes were art, P.E., and lunch. Oh, is one of those not a class? No way—I believe art is still considered a class.
When not cracking jokes in class, I would be doing one of three things: drawing, passing notes, or sleeping. In high school I started to not only be mentally absent from class, but physically gone too. I’d skip class like a flat rock skips across a pond.
After high school, it was on to college. In all I have attended six colleges. I bounced around like a dodgeball on a trampoline. If you count the college classes I took starting my junior year of high school, then I got my four-year degree in nine years. And if you’re going to do something, you might as well do it at least twice as well as everybody else—or at least at least twice as long.
I graduated with an English degree from the University of Florida, but I took creative writing classes from both UF and Florida State University. All though college I fancied myself a fancy man, because I was an aspiring writer. Mostly I wrote t-shirt slogans and other pithy things. In the spring of 2005 I did manage to sell a line of t-shirts to Urban Outfitters.
That is my lone success in life. Seriously. Well, so far anyway. But my story is just beginning. I plan on failing my way to success. I have been rejected by literary agents, publishers, MFA programs, all sorts of women. But still I keep writing.
I have written many “books,” and I use the term books loosely. Mostly they are just compilations of my random thoughts and one-liners. But I like writing them, and people seem to like reading them. and that’s what it’s all about, right?
All my books are self-published, either through iUniverse or the wonderful Amazon Kindle program. I encourage everybody to write. Share yourself with the world. If there is one thing I like to impress upon people, it’s that you can do it, even if you can’t. Just keep can’ting until eventually you can. And you can quote me on that.
“Ignoring a problem is the same as being ignorant of it.”
“We were getting a divorce. But not from each other. Then we were going to get married. But not to each other.”
“I’m going to Australia. But first I’ve got to put on my swimming suit and stretch.”
“It is possible to be a retard and a politician. In fact, it’s almost a prerequisite.”
“Cryptozoology 101: It’s an exciting class because it’s mythological, and may or may not exist.”
“I was so focused on my mistake that I made another mistake during the correction of the initial mistake.”
“My life outlook isn’t cloudy. That’s just the weather report for the rest of my life.”
“Keep your eyes open, especially if you’re wearing a blindfold while driving. Closing your eyes in that situation could be dangerous.”
“I bought a zoo, which is funny, because I own the very place that should own me.”
“I notice when you’re gone. Or do I? How can I observe something that isn’t there?”
“After I’m dead, I want to ghostwrite my autobiography.”
“My life motto: My brakes are broke, but luckily my gas pedal works just fine. ”
“I’m all out of beer like I’m all out of love. But I don’t drink beer, so who cares?”
“I’ll wait until your mouth is full of food before I ask you a question. I’m like a dentist.”
“4 am—if I’m ever up that early, it’s because I’m up that late.”
“The political system, it’s a shame it’s a sham.”
“Aaron Burr was probably a cold man.”
“Due to state laws, the restaurant was nonsmoking, which as a nonsmoker pleases me, but as a Libertarian it pisses me off. ”
“I’m in good shape. That shape is round. ”
“People can only grow, stagnate, or regress. Which one are you doing? I’m both growing and stagnating, because I’m learning every day, so I’m growing, but since learning has become a habit and I do it all the time, I’m technically stagnating. I’m stagnating upwards.”
“I’m not a bicycle. Don’t try to ride me and leave me in the garage. I’m a treadmill. Walk on me and leave me in a guest room.”
“If you had a clone, and you weren’t wearing perfume and your clone was, I’d automatically think your clone was more attractive.”
“My expectations are sky low, because I’m standing on a mountaintop.”
“It’s easy to see what to do once it’s already been done. The difficult time is before it’s to be done, and while you’re doing it. This is the difference between writing and editing.”
“My balls dangle so low that I need a rake to scratch them. It also comes in handy when raking up all the leaves on my scrotum.”
“I don’t like to celebrate my birthday, because I don’t like taking credit for others’ work—in this case, my mom and dad. Or possibly my mom and the mailman. ”
“To treat everyone equally is offensive, because it fails to recognize anyone as an individual.”
“Candy is full of taste. But so is shit, because taste is full of smell.”
“It may be bad for you, but government has no role in dictating our lives. People should be free to imprison themselves.”
“I’d like to play a game of Marco Polo—in the 13th century.”
“I wear brown shirts to protect against the combination of coffee and clumsiness. ”
“His last name was Morris, but I called him Mars, because it’s like he was from another planet, like Venus. He was a cross dresser.”
“Her name is Denise, and she has green eyes and red hair. Well, this week. Last week her hair was dyed blonde, and she had blue eyes. Or maybe that was a different woman. I don’t know. All I know is that she is my soul mate.”
“I’ve lived in Jacksonville for—not sure, I get Jacksonville and Paris mixed up. I’ve never been to Paris.”
“When it comes to Schopenhauer, I think I need a To-Go box.”
“There’s fool’s gold—pyrite—and then there’s fool’s gold—gold owned by idiots willing to trade it for worthless dollars. ”
“My answer is nope, so don’t even hope.”
“You have to slow down with this woman, because the moment she slows down and stops, she’ll die. She’s like a shark.” That’s what I told Renaldo, but how was I to know his girlfriend was literally a shark?”
“I talked to a calzone for fifteen minutes last night before I realized it was just an introverted pizza. I wish all my acquaintances were so tasty.”
“Love is a peaceful feeling, like a flower hugging a butterfly.”
“Like a 9-5 business at 4:59 pm, her legs were open.”
“I have two masters: laziness and ambition. Laziness is muscular, and ambition is brainy. When the two masters fight it out, guess who wins? That’s right, the slaves do.”
“I have the heart of a lion, and the circulatory system of a lamb.”
“If I shake your hand, and then jack off, it’s as if you gave me an indirect handjob. ”
“Every morning I think: What’s the latest I can sleep in ‘til, and still be on time for work? Well, I used to think that, before unemployment turned every day into a Saturday.”
“I keep my fears chained up in the basement, along with a few of my foes.”
“I’ll flick a penny to the dirt, and if I see one on the ground I won’t pick it up. So why is .99 cents so much sexier than a dollar?”
“I talked to him on Christmas, and again on March 5th. Neither one of us hung up the phone that whole time.”
“It’s my birthday, who could be calling me? Probably my clone, wondering why he hasn’t been born yet.”
“I had to close the door on our friendship, because he kept climbing in through my window.”