Jarod Kintz
This is it, this is my biography. The story of Jarod Kintz begins now.
Let’s knock out the trivial first. I was born in Salt Lake City on March 5th. Now that you know my birthday, please feel free to get me birthday presents. Notice how I used the plural, presents? More than one gift would be greatly appreciated. Appropriate gifts include gold coins, bars of silver, and large tracts of land (preferably beachfront property). Or you could just buy me a drink—soda, natural, because I don’t drink either alcohol or high fructose corn syrup.
Skipping ahead a few years, and a few hundred miles, we come to Denver, Colorado. For a few years I attended Mackintosh Academy. In the second grade, along with English, I studied French, Spanish, and Japanese. Out of all those language classes, I remember one word: Andrea. That was my girlfriend at the time, the one who left me for my best friend. I guess I remember two words, as I remember his name too, but his name is almost sacred, as a name that shall never be uttered.
Right after second grade ended my family moved to Jacksonville, Florida. It was Jacksonville that I would come to know as home, and would attend the rest of my schooling until college.
At this point I was a mediocre student. I believe I had a perfect 2.0 grade point average from third grade until I graduated from high school. My favorite classes were art, P.E., and lunch. Oh, is one of those not a class? No way—I believe art is still considered a class.
When not cracking jokes in class, I would be doing one of three things: drawing, passing notes, or sleeping. In high school I started to not only be mentally absent from class, but physically gone too. I’d skip class like a flat rock skips across a pond.
After high school, it was on to college. In all I have attended six colleges. I bounced around like a dodgeball on a trampoline. If you count the college classes I took starting my junior year of high school, then I got my four-year degree in nine years. And if you’re going to do something, you might as well do it at least twice as well as everybody else—or at least at least twice as long.
I graduated with an English degree from the University of Florida, but I took creative writing classes from both UF and Florida State University. All though college I fancied myself a fancy man, because I was an aspiring writer. Mostly I wrote t-shirt slogans and other pithy things. In the spring of 2005 I did manage to sell a line of t-shirts to Urban Outfitters.
That is my lone success in life. Seriously. Well, so far anyway. But my story is just beginning. I plan on failing my way to success. I have been rejected by literary agents, publishers, MFA programs, all sorts of women. But still I keep writing.
I have written many “books,” and I use the term books loosely. Mostly they are just compilations of my random thoughts and one-liners. But I like writing them, and people seem to like reading them. and that’s what it’s all about, right?
All my books are self-published, either through iUniverse or the wonderful Amazon Kindle program. I encourage everybody to write. Share yourself with the world. If there is one thing I like to impress upon people, it’s that you can do it, even if you can’t. Just keep can’ting until eventually you can. And you can quote me on that.
“I like ice cream with my cake. But in moderation, and not like five gallons with a cupcake. For that much ice cream, I’d need at least two cupcakes.”
“The only time I can throw 80 yards is when my football-shaped alarm clock goes off in the morning.”
“His shelf. Good. Noodle dust. Decaying brain collecting dust. Must insert it back in skull—what was I thinking?”
“I hate the phrase “Shit or get off the pot,” because I rarely cook with feces.”
“Divorce is the second worst event in a person’s life. The worst event, of course, is marriage.”
“Love is like a forest, I think as I kill trees by squandering toilet paper while “decorating” my ex girlfriend’s front yard.”
“Uncle Sam’s not related to me. He’s stuck his dick in the American Pie too many times to be welcome at my family picnics.”
“I own nothing, but at least nothing owns me. Well, besides the bank.”
“You’re under no obligation to accept my oppression, but it is strongly recommended. I’ll make you love me, even if I have to impoverish you and then imprison you. –Uncle Sam”
“Actual message in letter I mailed: Congrats on getting married! Here’s a hundred-dollar gift certificate to Amazon.com. You could buy something practical, or you could buy 101 copies of my .99 cents ebook. Just kidding—I didn’t mean to imply that buying 101 copies of my book was impractical. ”
“I boasted that I bested the best, and I did. I beat my clone. In my dream, of course, but who cares? It’s still a victory.”
“We made love like Tuesday at noon, even though it was Thursday at 3:00, and then again at 3:03. (I have the stamina of a water lily).”
“Mosquito snobs sit on STOP signs trying to get out all the red.”
“I listen to AM radio in the AM, and AM radio for an AM audience in my PM (though it comes from the other side of the world). It’s all morning all the time for me. Sometimes I even listen to FM in the AM, but never FM and AM in the AM or PM.”
“I’m standing in misunderstanding. I must have just stepped in it.”
“I notice when you’re gone. With you not being there I notice your unbeing, with you still being a being in time but not my space.”
“The hole in my heart matches the key I gave her, and I’d like it back, along with the key to my hope chest.”
“I was born with a lazy eye. It didn’t define me as a person. It did, however, define me as a voyeur.”
“I ran over some dog poop on my drive home last night. But I didn’t feel bad, because I didn’t vote for that particular politician.”
“I asked her if she’d give me all her love, and she flatly said no. I got excited because while she said she wouldn’t give me all her love, she said nothing about not wanting to give me some of her love.”
“I would rather build a relationship than a wall. Can you pass me another brick?”
“I try to put myself in another man’s shoes. Or a woman’s, if she has large enough feet.”
“I’m up for the Julius Caesar Author of the Year Award this year. I’m tremendously proud, considering Caesar is the guy who burned down the Library of Alexandria.”
“Sexcess—it’s about sex in excess and success all rolled up into one sweaty ball.”
“You can believe history books when they tell you when wars were fought. You just can’t trust them as to why.”
“We can be anything we want to be in this life. And I’d like to be you. But there can’t be two of us, so I’m afraid you’ll have to be eliminated. You have become redundant.”
“Most people wear mind blindfolds. I think that’s stupid. I wear blindfolds over my eyes.”
“A peaceful wave came over me, and I thought, Thank God I’m holding my breath.”
“I don’t think he’s dumber than a politician. But only because it’s not possible to be dumber than a politician.”
“I was so offended I wanted to light his face on fire. But I restrained myself, because he was wearing my cat on his head.”
“My mouth is often wounded by my sharp words, so sometimes when I’m out in public, I’ll wear a large Band Aid over my lips.”
“I have half a mustache. It was a gift from my father, who bought one with a Buy One Mustache, Get One Half Off deal. So he kept the full mustache, and gave me the half stache. It looks more like an eyebrow than a mustache.”
“I was honored at the awards ceremony. I didn’t get any recognition, but I was honored to be there. (Tickets were cheaper than I imagined!) ”
“My name is Awesome Amazing. My middle name is Lee.”
“I carry your love like a backpack. I only wish your love had a larger cargo capacity, and had zippers instead of Velcro.”
“I’ll leave the door cracked, because cracked is better than broken.”
“I’d rather have a career that utilizes my creativity, but torturing people all day long is not a bad gig. At least not for me.”
“Forget food for thought. Give me food for my belly.”
“Boob, like the object it identifies, is such a well-rounded word. It’s as if “Bo” represents the left breast, and “ob” represents the right breast.”
“We had some good fun together, didn’t we? That’s why I’m sorry to say I’m going to have to kill you.”
“If your toaster isn’t working, stick your sword in the bread slot, and see if that doesn’t improve its behavior.”
“Agatha told me she was late, and I thought, I haven’t slept with her in years—she really must be late. I’m going to be a father!”
“The best way to deal with tiredness is to sleep it off.”
“Excuse me, madam, but may I rub my erection up against your buttocks, because I mistakenly took Viagra thinking it was Vitamin C?”
“I have the worst kind of history—a non history. I wasn’t born poor, oppressed, rich, famous, or any other such extreme. I was born in the middle, and I desperately want to hide it.”
“Love will wreck your heart like a derailed train. So choo-choose your partner wisely.”
“I put tin foil on our relationship and stuck it in the fridge, because it needed to cool down a bit.”
“I want to get married, but first I’ll have to get a divorce.”
“Love is like a door knob that I’ve mistaken for a shower handle, and I’m trying to turn up the heat on our relationship, but the handle won’t turn and I’ve got shampoo in my eyes and my wetsuit is dry and I started crying just as the zookeeper asked me to leave.”
“Deep down, I’m an introvert. However, high up, I’m an extrovert.”