Jarod Kintz
This is it, this is my biography. The story of Jarod Kintz begins now.
Let’s knock out the trivial first. I was born in Salt Lake City on March 5th. Now that you know my birthday, please feel free to get me birthday presents. Notice how I used the plural, presents? More than one gift would be greatly appreciated. Appropriate gifts include gold coins, bars of silver, and large tracts of land (preferably beachfront property). Or you could just buy me a drink—soda, natural, because I don’t drink either alcohol or high fructose corn syrup.
Skipping ahead a few years, and a few hundred miles, we come to Denver, Colorado. For a few years I attended Mackintosh Academy. In the second grade, along with English, I studied French, Spanish, and Japanese. Out of all those language classes, I remember one word: Andrea. That was my girlfriend at the time, the one who left me for my best friend. I guess I remember two words, as I remember his name too, but his name is almost sacred, as a name that shall never be uttered.
Right after second grade ended my family moved to Jacksonville, Florida. It was Jacksonville that I would come to know as home, and would attend the rest of my schooling until college.
At this point I was a mediocre student. I believe I had a perfect 2.0 grade point average from third grade until I graduated from high school. My favorite classes were art, P.E., and lunch. Oh, is one of those not a class? No way—I believe art is still considered a class.
When not cracking jokes in class, I would be doing one of three things: drawing, passing notes, or sleeping. In high school I started to not only be mentally absent from class, but physically gone too. I’d skip class like a flat rock skips across a pond.
After high school, it was on to college. In all I have attended six colleges. I bounced around like a dodgeball on a trampoline. If you count the college classes I took starting my junior year of high school, then I got my four-year degree in nine years. And if you’re going to do something, you might as well do it at least twice as well as everybody else—or at least at least twice as long.
I graduated with an English degree from the University of Florida, but I took creative writing classes from both UF and Florida State University. All though college I fancied myself a fancy man, because I was an aspiring writer. Mostly I wrote t-shirt slogans and other pithy things. In the spring of 2005 I did manage to sell a line of t-shirts to Urban Outfitters.
That is my lone success in life. Seriously. Well, so far anyway. But my story is just beginning. I plan on failing my way to success. I have been rejected by literary agents, publishers, MFA programs, all sorts of women. But still I keep writing.
I have written many “books,” and I use the term books loosely. Mostly they are just compilations of my random thoughts and one-liners. But I like writing them, and people seem to like reading them. and that’s what it’s all about, right?
All my books are self-published, either through iUniverse or the wonderful Amazon Kindle program. I encourage everybody to write. Share yourself with the world. If there is one thing I like to impress upon people, it’s that you can do it, even if you can’t. Just keep can’ting until eventually you can. And you can quote me on that.
“I can draw like it’s nobody’s business. I use my door as a canvas, so don’t knock, because it’s nobody’s business.”
“I am the alphabet soup of love. Eat me or read me, but don’t feed me to the cats.”
“My face doesn’t match my personality. Maybe it would if instead of a mouth I had an asshole in its place. ”
“I can read lips. Especially if they have words tattooed on them.”
“I named my car Itch, not because it’s all scratched up, though it is, but because it got under my skin without tickling my fancy.”
“I want to buy a sports car, because I like riding bicycles. Hold on to my handlebar mustache if you value your life.”
“She had amber-colored eyes. Or maybe they were blue, and I was confusing their color with her name, which was Amber.”
“Sorry I’m late. Traffic was nonexistent.”
“The police seemed to think I killed her, which is crazy, because I loved her like a thousand drops of blood dripping down a dagger.”
“I don’t have any upper body strength, but that matches up perfectly with my lack of lower body strength.”
“I put the men in mental. Well, me and my clones do. Alone I just put in the man.”
“I got fleeced once, by a sweater—a fleece, if you will. And won’t you? Please do.”
“I was alone in that room. Of course, there were bodies all around, but they were all dead. They were dead when I got there. Well, most of them were dead. The last few I had to strangle so I could enjoy some solitude.”
“Call me Bitter Otter. It’s just a nickname I gave myself. However, a better descriptive and more realistic name for myself would be Tangy Walrus.”
“I have all the things I need to succeed in life, including a bucket of unicorn urine.”
“I make music like I make love—in a group. OK, so I’m not in a band, and I sing alone in the shower.”
“Politicians are people with easy answers for hard problems.”
“The word ubiquitous is itself ubiquitous in today’s writing.”
“I eat bar soap raw, because if you try cooking it, it disappears. The soap turns into soup.”
“An invisible wall of super condensed jelly would make a great shield to stop bullets and sarcasm.”
“What are you doing Saturday or Sunday? I’m free this weekend. But come Monday I go back to being a slave.”
“I can tie a cherry stem into a knot with my tongue. Now, if only I could do the same with my shoelaces, I wouldn’t have to banana pudding my way to success.”
“Cats are bundles of cute, wrapped in fur and purrs.”
“I ate a slice of humble pie, and it tasted like apples.”
“I didn’t work security at the dodge ball factory, but I was a bouncer.”
“It’s not true I think all politicians are morons. Morons are far too intelligent to be politicians.”
“When the lights are about to burn out and start flickering, it’s like I’m blinking without blinking.”
“Robots don’t make better lovers, but Roberts do.”
“In the middle I want to be at the end, at the end I want to be in the beginning, and in the beginning I want to be in bed.”
“It’s easier to pick apart what is, than put together what isn’t.”
“My children don’t even know my name, and it’s no excuse that they haven’t even been born yet.”
“Last year, millions of students didn’t graduate from high school. They didn’t drop out, they were simply in elementary and middle schools.”
“Things should go where I intend them to go, not where I tend to put them.”
“Two mustaches walk into a bar, and the bartender said, “Can I get you a drink?” Both mustaches turned towards each other but said nothing, because they’d each left their mouth at home. ”
“I’d eat a mosquito to satisfy my hunger for an itch.”
“My sword can cut through butter like water. Likewise, my tongue can cut through the logic of love.”
“Ten years have gone by since the ten year anniversary, and I still remember it like it happened a decade ago.”
“Dipping my sticky glove into the bowl, I grabbed a handful of fingers. That’s five, if you’re counting.”
“I took my pants off slowly, thinking if I did it too fast I’d possibly rip a hole in the center of the universe.”
“She looked like the kind of woman I could fall in love with. Trouble is, she was standing next to the kind of woman I’d like to make love to. ”
“By a simple show of hands, who here is wearing gloves?”
“English isn’t my first language—gibberish is.”
“My hero’s hero is not necessarily my hero, unless my clone’s hero is my clone’s clone.”
“I could write from anywhere, including the moon, provided I had a pencil and not a pen.”
“I would have kissed her goodnight, but it was six in the morning.”
“My name is a half an hour early, but my body is on time.”
“He’s a monk, the fifth of his kind. I call him Monk E, and he is a primate.”
“Don’t kiss in public, unless it’s midnight and you’re both wearing black so nobody can see you’re naked. ”
“I asked the girl at the coffee shop out on a date. Unfortunately she said no, probably because I asked her out to coffee.”
“When I’m asleep I’m a politician, and when I’m awake I’m a criminal. Throughout the day and night, my mentality never changes.”