Jarod Kintz
This is it, this is my biography. The story of Jarod Kintz begins now.
Let’s knock out the trivial first. I was born in Salt Lake City on March 5th. Now that you know my birthday, please feel free to get me birthday presents. Notice how I used the plural, presents? More than one gift would be greatly appreciated. Appropriate gifts include gold coins, bars of silver, and large tracts of land (preferably beachfront property). Or you could just buy me a drink—soda, natural, because I don’t drink either alcohol or high fructose corn syrup.
Skipping ahead a few years, and a few hundred miles, we come to Denver, Colorado. For a few years I attended Mackintosh Academy. In the second grade, along with English, I studied French, Spanish, and Japanese. Out of all those language classes, I remember one word: Andrea. That was my girlfriend at the time, the one who left me for my best friend. I guess I remember two words, as I remember his name too, but his name is almost sacred, as a name that shall never be uttered.
Right after second grade ended my family moved to Jacksonville, Florida. It was Jacksonville that I would come to know as home, and would attend the rest of my schooling until college.
At this point I was a mediocre student. I believe I had a perfect 2.0 grade point average from third grade until I graduated from high school. My favorite classes were art, P.E., and lunch. Oh, is one of those not a class? No way—I believe art is still considered a class.
When not cracking jokes in class, I would be doing one of three things: drawing, passing notes, or sleeping. In high school I started to not only be mentally absent from class, but physically gone too. I’d skip class like a flat rock skips across a pond.
After high school, it was on to college. In all I have attended six colleges. I bounced around like a dodgeball on a trampoline. If you count the college classes I took starting my junior year of high school, then I got my four-year degree in nine years. And if you’re going to do something, you might as well do it at least twice as well as everybody else—or at least at least twice as long.
I graduated with an English degree from the University of Florida, but I took creative writing classes from both UF and Florida State University. All though college I fancied myself a fancy man, because I was an aspiring writer. Mostly I wrote t-shirt slogans and other pithy things. In the spring of 2005 I did manage to sell a line of t-shirts to Urban Outfitters.
That is my lone success in life. Seriously. Well, so far anyway. But my story is just beginning. I plan on failing my way to success. I have been rejected by literary agents, publishers, MFA programs, all sorts of women. But still I keep writing.
I have written many “books,” and I use the term books loosely. Mostly they are just compilations of my random thoughts and one-liners. But I like writing them, and people seem to like reading them. and that’s what it’s all about, right?
All my books are self-published, either through iUniverse or the wonderful Amazon Kindle program. I encourage everybody to write. Share yourself with the world. If there is one thing I like to impress upon people, it’s that you can do it, even if you can’t. Just keep can’ting until eventually you can. And you can quote me on that.
“A banana is not a pistol. Still, please don’t point one at me.”
“I cut an inch off of every straw I see, just to make the world suck a little less. ”
“Sometimes I feel I’m just doing a poor impression of a person. Maybe I feel this way because I have no money.”
“I love giving love. The more I give, the more I have to give.”
“I’m going outside to get a breath of fresh air. Anybody got a cigarette I can have?”
“Were you aware that my sister looks like my brother? They both look nonexistent.”
“It occurs to me to devise mental tests on myself to see if I am who I think I am, but then I think, “I am who I think I am, or I probably am, and a test I conceive and answer about myself isn’t a way to test if I’m another person pretending to be me, because no matter how I answer I’ll answer like myself, thus falsely proving to myself that I am who I think I am.” No, what I need is for my clone to create and administer the test.”
“I remember I laughed so hard I cried. But my response was half appropriate, because I was at a funeral.”
“Sometimes I retreat into sleep to advance my mood.”
“I don’t just watch TV all day long. I also listen.”
“A bat isn’t a bird isn’t a middle finger.”
“Before job interviews, I think: What color tie best represents me as a person this company would be interested in?”
“As a thinker, and most writers would consider themselves thinkers, your competition is not only the whole world, but it’s also the people of the past, and the people of the future. And the people of the future are the dangerous ones, because you’ll never know how good they are. ”
“The idea of a belt holding my pants up seems so 20th century. Imagine a world where your pants are held high by your self-esteem. But it’s a silly notion, really, because in a world such as that, nobody would even wear pants. ”
“Love is a thunderstorm, and I am the desert.”
“I would say exploit the stupid, because they’re expendable and loyal, but it’s a fact: politicians are not loyal.”
“Jarod Kintz Day—it’s not just my birthday, but it should be a holiday that’s mandatory to celebrate, punishable by death if you don’t. It’ll be a holiday that honors freedom. ”
“When your family dies, that’s a bummer, but that’s life. When my family dies, it’s a tragedy and the world is unbalanced and biased. ”
“I finish what I start, and I Finnish what I Swedish.”
“Losing a child must be the second most painful thing ever. The most painful thing would be to lose the child, find him, and then watch him be murdered by his sibling, who happens to contain half of Satan’s DNA.”
“I put the “Dan” in Danger. I’m sorry, Dan.”
“The coast is clear. Not a beached whale in sight.”
“I can’t even hear the phrase ‘Four score and seven years ago’ without thinking of what?” my mom asked. “A top hat and a beard,” I replied.”
“Black clothing makes me look skinnier. If I wear all black at night, and turn out the lights, I look so skinny that I disappear.”
“This book does not exist. And if that doesn’t deter you from buying it, then I’m also selling frozen alien flesh, a patch of Bigfoot’s fur, and a patch of land on Pluto (limit one per customer). ”
“This book does not exist. And even if it did, it wouldn’t be worth buying or reading.”
“The rivers are my memory, and I drink them at their basin and remember.”
“At Starbucks I like ordering a “Tall venti in a grande cup.” That’s basically me asking for a small large in a medium cup. ”
“For me, it’s not about winning an award. It’s also about not even being nominated.”
“My love is like hooray! Special terms and conditions may apply. See dealer for details. Coupon not valid with any other offer.”
“Together me and Amy are Jaramy. Pearl Jam wrote a song about us speaking in class.”
“I’m putty in her hands. Out of her hands, I’m more like clay. ”
“Economist should be spelled echonomist, because they all repeat each other.”
“I don’t demand much. All I expect is for you to love me so much you kill yourself just to get my attention.”
“The passenger door was wide open, nobody was around, and a purse was inside. Was this a trap? It seemed too good to be true. Temptation overtook me, so I reached in the car, popped the trunk, and closed myself in. Boy, the owner of the car was sure in for a surprise. And he got it too—two days later. With no food, water, or cell phone on me, I nearly lost my life, and my job. I showed up late to work, but they didn’t believe me when I said I was stuck in traffic for 48 hours.”
“In the land of Gibberish, the man who makes sense, the man who speaks clearly, clearly speaks nonsense.”
“My name is Two Dogs Wink While Chewing. It’s not an Indian name, nor one that reflects my cat-loving nature.”
“Sunday nights I get about two inches of sleep. But I make do, because that’s all the erection I can muster.”
“If it’s dangerous, then you go first. If it’s pleasurable, then I’ll be brave and lead the charge.”
“Back when I was a competitive swimmer, I used to dream of going to the Olympics. But then I changed my mind, once I found out how expensive the tickets are.”
“Right now I have a milk mustache. I grew it on a cattle ranch, and then glued it to my face.”
“Pluto will always be a planet in my book. That’s because my book was published before Pluto was blacklisted by planetary scientists.”
“I wanted a ponytail for my 16th birthday, but daddy never bought me one. He thought that not only would I not be able to ride it, but it would also be unsuitable for a young lady to be a young man.”
“The best way to hide a body is to convert it to saltwater and then dump it in the ocean. But whatever you do, do not drink it!”
“Here in Jacksonville there’s a road called Commonwealth Blvd., and today as I was driving on it, I realized how socialist the name sounds.”
“I got my spring cleaning done early this year. I did it over the summer.”
“Everybody has something to offer the world. Even rapists, murderers, and politicians. Well, maybe not politicians.”
“Early on I set out to write the next Great American Novel, and then later on I set out the silverware and enjoyed my dinner in silence.”
“When trying to find the words to tell her how much I loved her, I stumbled across the ingredients for grilled cheese sandwiches. That’s when I realized she was the melted cheese to my toast. And the guy she’s currently seeing, the guy she left me for, well, I guess he is the tomato soup.”
“I run this town. Mostly I run errands.”