“I would have kissed her goodnight, but it was six in the morning.”

“A kiss involves two people, so I not only have to think about me for me, I have to think about me for her, her for her, and her for me.”

“My wife is younger. At one point, I was twice her age. Of course, I was six at the time.”

“I want to meet the girl of my dreams, and then immediately try to sleep with her—for between six to eight hours.”

“She had two lips like strawberries, and the seeds gave her kisses texture. I preferred kissing her over two scoops of vanilla ice cream.”

“I planted a tree. You’d think my neighbors would be happy for the shade it would provide them, but no, they said I planted it too close to their house. Since when is six inches too close?”

“A smile is like a simile, if you have a mouth like a metaphor. That would make for like the best kiss ever.”