Jarod Kintz
This is it, this is my biography. The story of Jarod Kintz begins now.
Let’s knock out the trivial first. I was born in Salt Lake City on March 5th. Now that you know my birthday, please feel free to get me birthday presents. Notice how I used the plural, presents? More than one gift would be greatly appreciated. Appropriate gifts include gold coins, bars of silver, and large tracts of land (preferably beachfront property). Or you could just buy me a drink—soda, natural, because I don’t drink either alcohol or high fructose corn syrup.
Skipping ahead a few years, and a few hundred miles, we come to Denver, Colorado. For a few years I attended Mackintosh Academy. In the second grade, along with English, I studied French, Spanish, and Japanese. Out of all those language classes, I remember one word: Andrea. That was my girlfriend at the time, the one who left me for my best friend. I guess I remember two words, as I remember his name too, but his name is almost sacred, as a name that shall never be uttered.
Right after second grade ended my family moved to Jacksonville, Florida. It was Jacksonville that I would come to know as home, and would attend the rest of my schooling until college.
At this point I was a mediocre student. I believe I had a perfect 2.0 grade point average from third grade until I graduated from high school. My favorite classes were art, P.E., and lunch. Oh, is one of those not a class? No way—I believe art is still considered a class.
When not cracking jokes in class, I would be doing one of three things: drawing, passing notes, or sleeping. In high school I started to not only be mentally absent from class, but physically gone too. I’d skip class like a flat rock skips across a pond.
After high school, it was on to college. In all I have attended six colleges. I bounced around like a dodgeball on a trampoline. If you count the college classes I took starting my junior year of high school, then I got my four-year degree in nine years. And if you’re going to do something, you might as well do it at least twice as well as everybody else—or at least at least twice as long.
I graduated with an English degree from the University of Florida, but I took creative writing classes from both UF and Florida State University. All though college I fancied myself a fancy man, because I was an aspiring writer. Mostly I wrote t-shirt slogans and other pithy things. In the spring of 2005 I did manage to sell a line of t-shirts to Urban Outfitters.
That is my lone success in life. Seriously. Well, so far anyway. But my story is just beginning. I plan on failing my way to success. I have been rejected by literary agents, publishers, MFA programs, all sorts of women. But still I keep writing.
I have written many “books,” and I use the term books loosely. Mostly they are just compilations of my random thoughts and one-liners. But I like writing them, and people seem to like reading them. and that’s what it’s all about, right?
All my books are self-published, either through iUniverse or the wonderful Amazon Kindle program. I encourage everybody to write. Share yourself with the world. If there is one thing I like to impress upon people, it’s that you can do it, even if you can’t. Just keep can’ting until eventually you can. And you can quote me on that.
“When I hear a politician has died in a car accident, I think, “How tragic! Even if the car suffered only a small dent, it makes me want to cry out to God in despair.”
“I make art like I make love—slowly, so I get the most for my money.”
“Politicians are like warts on the body of society. And the only thing worse than warts are lawyers and lobbyists. ”
“A guy I grew up with recently died. I attended his funeral, but only because I thought there’d be free food afterwards. I brought to-go boxes with me. You know, to remember him for as long as I could.”
“If I give you more love, it will only give me more love to give. The more I give, the more I have to give.”
“A politician’s word is like a thick tree branch, and the people are all hanging on it. Well, I’ve got noose for you, politicians won’t keep their word, but they will keep you hanging.”
“I think we should keep politics out of church, and back in hell where it belongs.”
“I stood in the doorway pondering the difference between naked and nude, and the pizza delivery guy probably wondered if I was going to go put on some clothes and pay him.”
“Whether you’re a Democrat or a Republican, I think everybody can agree that politicians are crooks. But I don’t think politicians are thieves, because you can’t steal what you’ve been given. Once we stop giving in, they’ll stop taking. ”
“I wouldn’t mind politicians lying to me, stealing from me, or senselessly making life difficult if they didn’t try to claim they were looking out for my best interest. How refreshing it’d be to see a politician honest enough to admit he’s dishonest.”
“I’m a guy who respects boundaries. I require a passport for interpersonal travel.”
“Good art is like a sexy pair of lips—it has the potential to say so much, but prefers to have you do all the talking about it. Also, good art is fun to kiss and make out with (especially statues and portraits).”
“I’d hate to be forced to drink my own vomit without throwing up, because what if they made me drink that too?”
“A feather taped to a vibrator is a tickling machine to induce hunger, and NOT a sex toy. So you won’t have to ask if you see it in my fridge.”
“I’ll do anything for money. Anything except work.”
“Ireland is probably named the “Emerald Isle” because there are lots of precious stones found there, such as sapphires and rubies.”
“When I think of the Middle Ages I think of castles, Catholicism, and taking your kids to soccer practice.”
“You know what I like most about people? Pets. ”
“Let the best of your competition take out the rest of your competition, while you rest and then take out only that one guy.”
“Rembrandt painted portraits, The Karate Kid painted fences, and I paint my toenails. But I’m not a snob, I still consider those other two guys to be artists. ”
“My advice is to write in the nude. Unless you do your writing in a public restroom, and in that case, I’d recommend wearing flip flops.”
“I only sing in the shower. I would join a choir, but I don’t think my bathtub can hold that many people. ”
“I type as fast as a ten-legged man who just had eight legs chopped off runs.”
“I could be the man of your dreams. I could also be the alarm clock, stealing you away from the man of your dreams.”
“I surround myself with salt, so it soaks up the humidity from my steamy solo love making sessions.”
“Love is snowy, like the raincloud I left in the freezer. I would ski on the slope of your kiss, but I’d be fearful of an avalanche.”
“Books are portable companions. But so are midgets.”
“I am waiting on a trap door, but things might fall through for me.”
“If you ask me if I know how to speak Latin, I’ll say, “No, it’s all Greek to me.”
“This financial crisis in Europe would have left Greece in Ruins, but it’s been that way for 2,000 years.”
“I write down my dreams. I use the excuse “I’m writing” to sleep all the time.”
“Only a friend or a giraffe would stick his neck out for you. But only a giraffe would eat all the leaves off your tree so he could peek in your second story bedroom window.”
“Most people don’t know where money comes from. Even most of our elected officials don’t know. If you were to ask a politician where money comes from, s/he would probably reply, “I don’t know, from other people’s pockets?”
“What I know about being in love can be summed up in three words: Huh, who me?”
“Whenever I drink, I always have one too many. Of course, I only ever drink one.”
“A man with six fingers on one hand who gets his finger cutoff by the mafia probably doesn’t feel pain, fear, or anger. No, that man probably feels normal.”
“When I can’t write I read. When I can’t read I sleep. And when I can’t sleep I write.”
“I’m creative, I make up almost everything. But with all my creativity, I couldn’t make up with my wife.”
“Sometimes writing is easy. Other times it’s as hard as trying to eat a whole whale, after the whale has just eaten you.”
“I write like I make love: alone in my bathtub, as I let the fantasy overflow and wash over me.”
“How much distance should there be between art and artist? I’d say no more than a lifetime.”
“My wife and I aren’t a match. We’re a match and gasoline.”
“The US is at a point where just when the people imagine things can’t get any worse, they realize their imaginations weren’t big enough.”
“Like eggs, I’m scrambling to get ahead in this economic depression.”
“I make love like a leprechaun, and I cuddle like a rainbow—after a shower.”
“My wife and I make love every night, sometimes even to each other.”
“I’ll tell you about love on one condition: that you give it to me unconditionally.”
“I knew a woman named Hope once, and boy did she fill me with her first name.”
“If a woman asked me how far I’d go on a first date, my reply would be 69 miles. Round trip, not one way.”
“The ultimate weapon is Lady Gaga’s music. Why kill the enemy when you can play her music and they’ll want to kill themselves?”