Jarod Kintz
This is it, this is my biography. The story of Jarod Kintz begins now.
Let’s knock out the trivial first. I was born in Salt Lake City on March 5th. Now that you know my birthday, please feel free to get me birthday presents. Notice how I used the plural, presents? More than one gift would be greatly appreciated. Appropriate gifts include gold coins, bars of silver, and large tracts of land (preferably beachfront property). Or you could just buy me a drink—soda, natural, because I don’t drink either alcohol or high fructose corn syrup.
Skipping ahead a few years, and a few hundred miles, we come to Denver, Colorado. For a few years I attended Mackintosh Academy. In the second grade, along with English, I studied French, Spanish, and Japanese. Out of all those language classes, I remember one word: Andrea. That was my girlfriend at the time, the one who left me for my best friend. I guess I remember two words, as I remember his name too, but his name is almost sacred, as a name that shall never be uttered.
Right after second grade ended my family moved to Jacksonville, Florida. It was Jacksonville that I would come to know as home, and would attend the rest of my schooling until college.
At this point I was a mediocre student. I believe I had a perfect 2.0 grade point average from third grade until I graduated from high school. My favorite classes were art, P.E., and lunch. Oh, is one of those not a class? No way—I believe art is still considered a class.
When not cracking jokes in class, I would be doing one of three things: drawing, passing notes, or sleeping. In high school I started to not only be mentally absent from class, but physically gone too. I’d skip class like a flat rock skips across a pond.
After high school, it was on to college. In all I have attended six colleges. I bounced around like a dodgeball on a trampoline. If you count the college classes I took starting my junior year of high school, then I got my four-year degree in nine years. And if you’re going to do something, you might as well do it at least twice as well as everybody else—or at least at least twice as long.
I graduated with an English degree from the University of Florida, but I took creative writing classes from both UF and Florida State University. All though college I fancied myself a fancy man, because I was an aspiring writer. Mostly I wrote t-shirt slogans and other pithy things. In the spring of 2005 I did manage to sell a line of t-shirts to Urban Outfitters.
That is my lone success in life. Seriously. Well, so far anyway. But my story is just beginning. I plan on failing my way to success. I have been rejected by literary agents, publishers, MFA programs, all sorts of women. But still I keep writing.
I have written many “books,” and I use the term books loosely. Mostly they are just compilations of my random thoughts and one-liners. But I like writing them, and people seem to like reading them. and that’s what it’s all about, right?
All my books are self-published, either through iUniverse or the wonderful Amazon Kindle program. I encourage everybody to write. Share yourself with the world. If there is one thing I like to impress upon people, it’s that you can do it, even if you can’t. Just keep can’ting until eventually you can. And you can quote me on that.
“I think you know if you disappeared from my life I’d be upset, but ultimately I’d make myself a new invisible cloak, to replace the one you stole.”
“My love is like one of those wooden Russian nesting dolls (matryoshka doll). I know, because your heart fits perfectly inside mine. ”
“A picture is worth a thousand words, but is 400% less valuable, because a picture only captures one of the senses—sight. However, words can describe the other four senses, making writing four times more potent than photography.”
“US highways are in such disrepair that instead of repaving, they should just mow the grass that’s sprung up and displaced the concrete.”
“Farmers grow on the land. I suppose farmers grow farmers, rather than using sex to reproduce.”
“The pain I felt when I lost my glove was nothing compared to the pain I felt losing my hand as well.”
“On the subject of how to make friends, I would give you some tips, but I just don’t have any. Oh, I have plenty of tips, but I don’t have any friends.”
“The future seems so crowded to me. All I see is me, me, me, me, me and a million other clones of myself.”
“Two days ago, Tuesday at 10:10 am, I gave birth to a bagel. And God commanded me to slice up my only begotten bagel in two, and who am I to argue with God? So I did it. Then I ate it. I’m not proud of the last part, but at the time it seemed like the right thing to do.”
“My new book is going well. It’s practically writing itself! Actually, what I mean is I’m not writing it, my clone is.”
“Can America get back to a point where politicians are honest? Not unless that point is the tip of a sword.”
“Love means the world to me. But so does a globe. ”
“The only French I know is a kiss. I studied a lot of that foreign tongue in high school.”
“People always ask me if I’m into sports, and I say, “Well, isn’t writing a sport? If you’re doing it right, and you have a deadline, you should be sweating.”
“I want to play a game of Solitaire—with my clone.”
“We all want somebody to share our life and love with. But if there are an odd number of people on the earth, and there’s a 50% chance there is, then somebody is going to get left out. And that somebody isn’t going to be me, even if I have to kill that one guy to make the world balanced.”
“My love is as blue as the sky, and if I had to attach a time to it I’d say midnight.”
“My beard has started growing a beard of its own, and I’m stuck having to take it for a walk.”
“Women are like convertibles: They should be topless. Also, they should stay in the garage. I mean kitchen. No, I mean bedroom. Damnit, I guess they can roam freely about the house.”
“Dear 30 years old, why are you stalking me? Please leave me alone or I’ll be forced to alert the authorities.”
“There’s only one piece of clothing I could eat fast, and that’s a scarf.”
“A half-truth is 90% of the story. The other 10% is tithed to God.”
“My wife loves me for me, and hates me for her.”
“My wife won’t talk to me, but that’s OK, because it’s not like I’d listen if she did.”
“I watch basketball like I watch baseball: I don’t. I’d much rather watch grass grow. Actually, golf isn’t that bad.”
“Me and my wife are happy. At least when we are not together.”
“I got married at a good time, though a better time would have been 20 years from now.”
“What’s next to my bed? One night stand, though personally I find them morally outrageous, not to mention the danger from STDs.”
“I went to visit my grandma. I meant to stay for two days, but ended up staying two months. (So I overslept a little).”
“In my life I haven’t done anything worth writing about, but that’s OK. That’s why I write fiction.”
“Love is an art. Mine could fill a museum the size of your heart.”
“If yes is the new no, no is the new maybe, and maybe is the new yes, then my answer is definitely maybe.”
“Music is inaudible to deaf people, just as dancing is invisible to me.”
“If artists often get famous posthumously, then there is only one thing for me to do—fake my own death. Or I could just wait for science to give me a clone, and kill him instead. He’ll get my credit, and I’ll get his money.”
“I want a shower the size of the Sydney Opera House, because you know damn well I sing in the shower. And I might as well make millions off my cleanliness.”
“I think it’s OK to rape as many people as possible, and that’s precisely why I’m going into politics.”
“I live my life according to a code. You might know it by the surname Morse.”
“Today I am doing better than yesterday, and tomorrow I hope to be doing better than I am today. And two days from now? Well, that’s a Monday, so I’ll be feeling shitty.”
“I want to live for a very, very long time, but it’s important that I take care of my body. When I am 851 years old, I don’t want to look it. No, I want to look 158.”
“At the gun range I can’t hit the paper bull’s eye, no matter how carefully I aim at my wife.”
“She told me she has her eye on me, so I said, And what do you have your other eye on?”
“I don’t shower because water is the most corrosive element. Ever seen what it does to rock? I want a chiseled body, but I don’t want it to look like the Grand Canyon.”
“Is the company you keep keeping you back?”
“I wish my stove came with a Save As button like Word has. That way I could experiment with my cooking and not fear ruining my dinner.”
“My blanket is a year old. And amazingly, it still purrs just as loud today as it did when it was a kitten.”
“What’s with the zombie craze? Zombies are half alive, half dead, right? Sounds like my wife in bed.”
“You can’t believe every word you read while watching TV. (Even with closed captioning turned off).”
“The time is now 3:34. Damn! I’m late for 3:33.”
“You can’t become a famous garage band if you never perform outside your garage. That’s why my band plays in my driveway.”
“My wife loves window shopping. As for me, I’m more into curtains.”