Jarod Kintz
This is it, this is my biography. The story of Jarod Kintz begins now.
Let’s knock out the trivial first. I was born in Salt Lake City on March 5th. Now that you know my birthday, please feel free to get me birthday presents. Notice how I used the plural, presents? More than one gift would be greatly appreciated. Appropriate gifts include gold coins, bars of silver, and large tracts of land (preferably beachfront property). Or you could just buy me a drink—soda, natural, because I don’t drink either alcohol or high fructose corn syrup.
Skipping ahead a few years, and a few hundred miles, we come to Denver, Colorado. For a few years I attended Mackintosh Academy. In the second grade, along with English, I studied French, Spanish, and Japanese. Out of all those language classes, I remember one word: Andrea. That was my girlfriend at the time, the one who left me for my best friend. I guess I remember two words, as I remember his name too, but his name is almost sacred, as a name that shall never be uttered.
Right after second grade ended my family moved to Jacksonville, Florida. It was Jacksonville that I would come to know as home, and would attend the rest of my schooling until college.
At this point I was a mediocre student. I believe I had a perfect 2.0 grade point average from third grade until I graduated from high school. My favorite classes were art, P.E., and lunch. Oh, is one of those not a class? No way—I believe art is still considered a class.
When not cracking jokes in class, I would be doing one of three things: drawing, passing notes, or sleeping. In high school I started to not only be mentally absent from class, but physically gone too. I’d skip class like a flat rock skips across a pond.
After high school, it was on to college. In all I have attended six colleges. I bounced around like a dodgeball on a trampoline. If you count the college classes I took starting my junior year of high school, then I got my four-year degree in nine years. And if you’re going to do something, you might as well do it at least twice as well as everybody else—or at least at least twice as long.
I graduated with an English degree from the University of Florida, but I took creative writing classes from both UF and Florida State University. All though college I fancied myself a fancy man, because I was an aspiring writer. Mostly I wrote t-shirt slogans and other pithy things. In the spring of 2005 I did manage to sell a line of t-shirts to Urban Outfitters.
That is my lone success in life. Seriously. Well, so far anyway. But my story is just beginning. I plan on failing my way to success. I have been rejected by literary agents, publishers, MFA programs, all sorts of women. But still I keep writing.
I have written many “books,” and I use the term books loosely. Mostly they are just compilations of my random thoughts and one-liners. But I like writing them, and people seem to like reading them. and that’s what it’s all about, right?
All my books are self-published, either through iUniverse or the wonderful Amazon Kindle program. I encourage everybody to write. Share yourself with the world. If there is one thing I like to impress upon people, it’s that you can do it, even if you can’t. Just keep can’ting until eventually you can. And you can quote me on that.
“Columbus was born around 1492. I say around because before that the world was flat. My stomach also used to be flat, but now it looks like a globe is about to be born.”
“I dance like I have a chip on my shoulder. I dance salsa.”
“I drink screwdrivers because they help me unwind.”
“I have a nervous lips tick, so naturally I try to cover it up with lipstick.”
“I watch baseball on TV like my cat watches the window. Somebody open the blinds so we can see better!”
“I fell in love with her the moment she was late, though neither one of us knew it at the time because she hadn’t arrived yet.”
“I think you’re funny, and the toilet sounds like a soda can opening when it flushes. It’s a diet soda, so it’s less filling and more fattening.”
“I listen better with earplugs in, so I can see what your body is really saying.”
“Books allow you to take flight, unlike the chicken wings I stapled to my back before eating them.”
“I need to lay low for a while. I’ll be on my stomach, trying not to arch my back (damn scoliosis).”
“I carry all of my childhood memories in my mind. But maybe that’s not the best place for them. Well, you’ve got some extra space in your closet. Do you think I could store them there?”
“I had to put away my toy so it didn’t get lost. After all, cats can’t read maps or ask for directions, and they don’t possess GPS.”
“My coffee gets increasingly better the more I drink and the closer I come to the bottom of the cup, where all the sugar is. I wonder if life is the same way as we approach the end.”
“Be like a sparrow aspiring to be an ostrich, and I’ll be like a cowboy with no horse looking for a speedy land runner to ride.”
“There is life, and there is death, and in between there is me. Please don’t wake me up.”
“I’m a designer. I’m trying to design a half a person, but I’m looking for a business partner, a female who’ll contribute the other 50% to the design and make it not only complete, but humane and personable.”
“I picked up a new language a few months ago. It was just laying on the ground, dirty, so I scooped it up and popped it in my mouth.”
“The headline read, Man Saves Child From Burning House, and I just have to ask: Why did that kid want to burn down the house?”
“The moment I laid eyes on her I knew she was somebody else, somebody I could love. And since somebody else never showed up, I did fall in love with her.”
“I drive a car that’s covered in fur, because before the automobile, there was the horse.”
“His name is Randy Randy (Or is it Randy Randy?), and he probably makes women doubly horny (randy).”
“My stomach’s upset. I must have accidentally said something to insult it.”
“Hiring managers claim they don’t discriminate, but that’s simply not true. The unqualified are constantly being discriminated against.”
“I like to hike in state parks, but one thing I can’t stand is pants. So I don’t wear any. My wallet is tube shaped. Can you guess where I keep it?”
“Watching two cows have sex is the most magical experience at Cereal Land.”
“My name is Dawn. It’s not a female name. I am Sunset’s brother.”
“I respect people who make eye contact (blind people get a free respect card).”
“As much as I would love to know what you know, I’d much rather eat your brain with a spoon.”
“I just realized my reality, and I’d like to say No Thanks. I’m going back to sleep.”
“I object to that object that’s made of bronze and shaped like my clone. It should be made of gold, and shaped like me.”
“Does Ziploc make body bags? I’ll bet the corpses would stay fresher for longer if they did.”
“I hate noise pollution. Get that filthy soda can out of my ear!”
“The moment I heard her name I fell in love. Of course I fell in love with the wrong name, so I made her legally change her name to match that of my love interest.”
“I’m in danger of losing my job as official scribe to my inner voice.”
“I want a one-bedroom house with cup holders. I want to live in my car, and make the road my home.”
“Alzheimer’s is the cleverest thief, because she not only steals from you, but she steals the very thing you need to remember what’s been stolen.”
“I close my eyes and feel the texture of brick on my fingers in my mind. I try to imagine the wall that surrounds your heart, so I can best devise a plan to breach it.”
“I found love in the arms of another woman. Who needs two legs, a torso, or talking? ”
“I’m ambidextrous. I can write just as poorly with either hand.”
“I just bought a small condo overlooking the water. The water is in a cup, one floor below my unit.”
“I skimmed the pond scum with a spoon like broth in a soup bowl. Why does everything have to remind me of her?”
“She had two lips like strawberries, and the seeds gave her kisses texture. I preferred kissing her over two scoops of vanilla ice cream.”
“I’m the Robert the Bruce of Bruces. I’m also the Robert the Bruce of Roberts. ”
“If you ask me a multiple part question, and half my answers are yes and half are no, I may just average them together and give you a definitive and vague maybe.”
“I am the sunrise of sunsets, and I make love like noon at midnight.”
“I am the bathtub of desire, but damnit woman, I saw you eyeing that swimming pool.”
“I put the “now” in knowledge. Well, I will put it there, probably tomorrow or tomorrow’s tomorrow. ”
“Freedom isn't free. But there are some really great coupons if you know where to look. Buy one liberty, get the next one half off.”
“Even if there were only seventeen syllables left in the universe, I still don’t think The Mythical Mr. Boo would write a haiku. Especially not if those syllables were groups of “oh,” “no,” “ah,” “ouch,” “ugh,” “eek,” and “shit!”
“I want to write a short story where the protagonist is a globe, and all the secondary, or “flat” characters, are all maps. It’ll be a story about boundaries.”