Jarod Kintz
This is it, this is my biography. The story of Jarod Kintz begins now.
Let’s knock out the trivial first. I was born in Salt Lake City on March 5th. Now that you know my birthday, please feel free to get me birthday presents. Notice how I used the plural, presents? More than one gift would be greatly appreciated. Appropriate gifts include gold coins, bars of silver, and large tracts of land (preferably beachfront property). Or you could just buy me a drink—soda, natural, because I don’t drink either alcohol or high fructose corn syrup.
Skipping ahead a few years, and a few hundred miles, we come to Denver, Colorado. For a few years I attended Mackintosh Academy. In the second grade, along with English, I studied French, Spanish, and Japanese. Out of all those language classes, I remember one word: Andrea. That was my girlfriend at the time, the one who left me for my best friend. I guess I remember two words, as I remember his name too, but his name is almost sacred, as a name that shall never be uttered.
Right after second grade ended my family moved to Jacksonville, Florida. It was Jacksonville that I would come to know as home, and would attend the rest of my schooling until college.
At this point I was a mediocre student. I believe I had a perfect 2.0 grade point average from third grade until I graduated from high school. My favorite classes were art, P.E., and lunch. Oh, is one of those not a class? No way—I believe art is still considered a class.
When not cracking jokes in class, I would be doing one of three things: drawing, passing notes, or sleeping. In high school I started to not only be mentally absent from class, but physically gone too. I’d skip class like a flat rock skips across a pond.
After high school, it was on to college. In all I have attended six colleges. I bounced around like a dodgeball on a trampoline. If you count the college classes I took starting my junior year of high school, then I got my four-year degree in nine years. And if you’re going to do something, you might as well do it at least twice as well as everybody else—or at least at least twice as long.
I graduated with an English degree from the University of Florida, but I took creative writing classes from both UF and Florida State University. All though college I fancied myself a fancy man, because I was an aspiring writer. Mostly I wrote t-shirt slogans and other pithy things. In the spring of 2005 I did manage to sell a line of t-shirts to Urban Outfitters.
That is my lone success in life. Seriously. Well, so far anyway. But my story is just beginning. I plan on failing my way to success. I have been rejected by literary agents, publishers, MFA programs, all sorts of women. But still I keep writing.
I have written many “books,” and I use the term books loosely. Mostly they are just compilations of my random thoughts and one-liners. But I like writing them, and people seem to like reading them. and that’s what it’s all about, right?
All my books are self-published, either through iUniverse or the wonderful Amazon Kindle program. I encourage everybody to write. Share yourself with the world. If there is one thing I like to impress upon people, it’s that you can do it, even if you can’t. Just keep can’ting until eventually you can. And you can quote me on that.
“Those responsible for our economic depression have been found irresponsible. The irresponsible are responsible!”
“I inherited my sense of passion and romance from the Romans. Specifically Nero and all the fire he possessed.”
“How do you know you are who you are? How do you know you’re not simply a clone of who you think you are?”
“I am not adventurous, though I can manage to look at and enjoy sunsets. However, sunrises scare me.”
“The best thing to do with a seven-year-old is wait until they’re eight to tell them to wait until they’re 18 to start living life.”
“I was going to change my clothes, but I changed my mind instead.”
“I met her at the beach. Her name was Shelly.”
“A chef should make a dish using only my words as ingredients. My words will taste great in your mouth.”
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world, and I’m just a kitten.”
“You know who you remind me of? Your clone.”
“If death is the end of life, what is birth the end of?”
“For being so ugly, I think God should reward me handsomely. He should give me the tender hands of a lover—and not those of a self-lover.”
“Once the orange juice wears off, I might be drunk. I love vodka.”
“One of your siblings has got to be the dumbest. And if you’re an only child—you’re the dumb one.”
“It’s a fact that when it comes to dating, men are all visual. Well, except blind men.”
“I’ll be 30 in April. My birthday is March 5th.”
“My name is Mr. Potatohead, and I’m looking for my wife. But I fear I’m too late, and that she’s already part of some combo meal somewhere.”
“Are you happy to be standing here with me? Because if not, we can scoot over six inches.”
“Contrast and compliment. The blue is never more blue than it is when paired with orange. And the orange is never bluer than when eaten on a cloud in the sky.”
“A preacher’s job is preaching. So how come he gets to work on the day of rest?”
“If you give me a gift, it’d be insulting to pay you, because I’d be denying you the gift of giving. So my gift to you is to accept your gift, thereby allowing you to enjoy the gift of giving.”
“I would tell you I hope you find what you seek in life, but your problem is you’re not looking. The only looking you do is good looking. But really, you’re not that handsome.”
“I wish somebody would have told my grandpa about the Cold War, so he could have at least put on a jacket.”
“I don’t know when I’m going to stop when I start—or start when I stop. That’s why I simply love continuously.”
“Don’t rub noses with a shark. It may be the last dental appointment you ever have.”
“Wisdom equals knowledge plus courage. You have to not only know what to do and when to do it, but you have to also be brave enough to follow through.”
“I am terrified of heights, sharks, and spiders, so I am not into skydiving, surfing, or camping. I am the epitome of cowardice.”
“My name is Don, as in sunrise.”
“I think the perfect pen name is Quill McSeagull. Especially for writing flights of fancy—and nothing has more feathers than a love poem.”
“I didn’t want to go, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t want to be invited.”
“Take pride in your workweek, not your weak work.”
“Do you know how much laughter is in a single bag of chips? Enough to feed a seriously starved midget for a week. Now with 33.3% reduced fat!”
“Drought is the best thing that ever happened to my lawn. And my beard.”
“I had a dream I took the form of Chuck Norris and kicked your ass. Then I impregnated you from across the room.”
“Don’t make me weight, as I’m skinny on time.”
“Alliteration Day took place on 1/1/11. So did Repetition Day and the Day of the One.”
“I’m a powerful being. I caused the night to turn into day. And I didn’t even try! I simply waited. I’ll bet I could even do it in my sleep.”
“Kill all the prisoners, because they’re costing us too much money. Wait! No, kill all the politicians, because they’re spending too much money.”
“Business idea: People like to eat and drive, so why not make edible cars? Instead of gasoline, they’d run on coffee.”
“I wouldn’t advise making a four-year commitment to eventually land an $8.00/hour job. Skip college. Read Wikipedia for free instead.”
“I want to have five or six wives, and a few dozen sheep, all for my pleasure. I should be a politician.”
“Most people take four years to get a degree. Not me. I’m twice as ambitious. It took me nearly eight years to graduate.”
“I’ve got a piece of the American Dream. I don’t have a house, but I do have a new chandelier. Now I just have to build a house around it.”
“His name is Randy Randy. Or maybe it’s Randy Randy. I always get his first and last names mixed up.”
“I drink coffee like a civilized man—alone in a cave, wearing a loincloth, and grunting in frustration because my club is too thick to fit in my cup to stir in the sugar.”
“You’re used to being the smartest guy in the room. Solitary confinement will do that.”
“I want to hire someone to stand outside my door and knock three times, with each knock being three years apart. At the end of the nine years I’ll reply, “Who is it?” And without delay or reply, the person on the other side of the door is to find a new job.”
“The only reason my wife agreed to marry me is because Christian Bale wasn’t around to propose to her.”
“So I got a new job, and I start tomorrow. I’m excited to have a job, and bummed out I’m going to be working.”
“She said, “You disgust me. How do you live with yourself?” So I said, “Like I live with my clone: with many pats on the back, accompanied by high flattery.”