Jarod Kintz
This is it, this is my biography. The story of Jarod Kintz begins now.
Let’s knock out the trivial first. I was born in Salt Lake City on March 5th. Now that you know my birthday, please feel free to get me birthday presents. Notice how I used the plural, presents? More than one gift would be greatly appreciated. Appropriate gifts include gold coins, bars of silver, and large tracts of land (preferably beachfront property). Or you could just buy me a drink—soda, natural, because I don’t drink either alcohol or high fructose corn syrup.
Skipping ahead a few years, and a few hundred miles, we come to Denver, Colorado. For a few years I attended Mackintosh Academy. In the second grade, along with English, I studied French, Spanish, and Japanese. Out of all those language classes, I remember one word: Andrea. That was my girlfriend at the time, the one who left me for my best friend. I guess I remember two words, as I remember his name too, but his name is almost sacred, as a name that shall never be uttered.
Right after second grade ended my family moved to Jacksonville, Florida. It was Jacksonville that I would come to know as home, and would attend the rest of my schooling until college.
At this point I was a mediocre student. I believe I had a perfect 2.0 grade point average from third grade until I graduated from high school. My favorite classes were art, P.E., and lunch. Oh, is one of those not a class? No way—I believe art is still considered a class.
When not cracking jokes in class, I would be doing one of three things: drawing, passing notes, or sleeping. In high school I started to not only be mentally absent from class, but physically gone too. I’d skip class like a flat rock skips across a pond.
After high school, it was on to college. In all I have attended six colleges. I bounced around like a dodgeball on a trampoline. If you count the college classes I took starting my junior year of high school, then I got my four-year degree in nine years. And if you’re going to do something, you might as well do it at least twice as well as everybody else—or at least at least twice as long.
I graduated with an English degree from the University of Florida, but I took creative writing classes from both UF and Florida State University. All though college I fancied myself a fancy man, because I was an aspiring writer. Mostly I wrote t-shirt slogans and other pithy things. In the spring of 2005 I did manage to sell a line of t-shirts to Urban Outfitters.
That is my lone success in life. Seriously. Well, so far anyway. But my story is just beginning. I plan on failing my way to success. I have been rejected by literary agents, publishers, MFA programs, all sorts of women. But still I keep writing.
I have written many “books,” and I use the term books loosely. Mostly they are just compilations of my random thoughts and one-liners. But I like writing them, and people seem to like reading them. and that’s what it’s all about, right?
All my books are self-published, either through iUniverse or the wonderful Amazon Kindle program. I encourage everybody to write. Share yourself with the world. If there is one thing I like to impress upon people, it’s that you can do it, even if you can’t. Just keep can’ting until eventually you can. And you can quote me on that.
“Strawberries are so red they make me feel 33% patriotic.”
“There’s nothing I like better than a beautiful sunset. Except maybe a gorgeous sunrise. And a naked woman painted pink and orange floating through the sky.”
“The cucumber is just about the healthiest sex toy ever.”
“I went to a homosexual high school. I graduated top in my class. I couldn't imagine being on the bottom.”
“Who inspires me to write? My clone. I just want him to appreciate me as a person.”
“I feel like I could be the best, but I’m not going to openly admit that. At least not to any of my clones.”
“Goodbyes, they often come in waves.”
“My favorite color is brown, as in Andrew Benson Brown.”
“A mechanical toothbrush is the greatest oral device in the history of the sex toy industry.”
“I caught a fish with a deep voice. It was a bass.”
“I lost a little weight over the weekend. I cut my fingernails.”
“It’s a comforting thought knowing that no matter how old I get, I can always get older.”
“If religion is a crutch, then society is the broken foot.”
“There’s nothing funny about war. Well, aside from this joke Orafoura told me: What did WWI say to WWII? I wish I could tell you the punch line, but the restaurant was so noisy that I didn’t hear it. But I laughed anyway, because I’ll bet it was pretty funny.”
“You’re disoriented. You just woke up. You’re in the future. You’ve been asleep for eight hours.”
“I’ve got nothing, but at least I’ve got nothing to lose.”
“I only know I was born on March 5th because someone told me. I don’t remember myself. So it’s fact based on secondhand information and trust.”
“The only way I’ll play beer pong is if the room was a sterile room, the table was stainless steel sprayed down with disinfectant, the ball brand new, and everybody playing wore gloves and hairnets underneath their space suits.”
“I’m very close to my dad. He’s about six inches away right now and snoring in my ears.”
“I went for a walk and I stubbed my big toe. And my erection.”
“I bowl like I masturbate: with two hands. I should run for Congress.”
“I like farm salmon. I like the idea of fish growing on trees.”
“I need to get my wedding ring resized, because it still fits tight around my neck.”
“Handcuffs barely wrap around the girth of my penis. I should run for Congress.”
“I buy black clothes, so I can hide behind my shadow.”
“It doesn’t matter if I don’t have a suit, you should still invite me swimming. That’s the naked truth.”
“I think all toys should be invisible. Not only would they improve children’s imaginations, but they’d also be really affordable. In fact, every toy would be free.”
“I found the skeleton of a caveman a few years back. Miraculously, it had skin and hair still attached, and amazingly my archaeological discovery actually talked to me saying, “Jarod, when are you going to stop mooching off your mother and me?”
“Schrödinger’s cat was a Siamese cat, must have been, because if it’s at once alive and dead, it’s a zombie, and the only zombie cats are Siamese cats.”
“Just because I look like John Wayne (at least my liver looks identical to his) doesn’t mean I play cowboy with politics. I’m going to vote for Philo T. Farnsworth for president, and so should you.”
“I’m running a marathon. I won’t be jogging, walking, or sprinting, but I will be overseeing it.”
“And then she walked out of my life forever. Too bad she was hitchhiking. I should have picked her up.”
“99% of the population is afraid of public speaking, and of the remaining 1%, 99% of them have nothing original and interesting to say.”
“Like the ocean I wave. Hello and goodbye are the same, when I talk with my hand.”
“If someone says you’re not right for them, they’re lying. What they’re really trying to tell you is they want you to stalk them and show them how committed you really are.”
“The book “Little Women,” what, is that about midgets? I freaking love midgets.”
“My father went AWOL the day I got dishonorably discharged from his penis. ”
“I’m such an alcoholic that I go to church just for communion.”
“I find it more polite when I yawn without opening my mouth. I also talk this way too, with my mouth closed.”
“A stationary bike is a device that epitomizes the phrase “hurry up and wait.”
“I’m rich in poverty. I got no money coming out of my ass. I’m up to my neck in broke.”
“I went on a road trip with my cat, Cap’n. I would have let him drive, but he was drunk.”
“Pulling your head out of your ass is better than pulling your head out of a lawyer’s ass. (Limit one coupon per customer).”
“I have a star on Hollywood Blvd. It glows in the dark and I stuck it there myself.”
“I worry about identity theft. What’s to stop somebody from cloning me to drain the cash from my bank account? And it’d be just as easy for my clone to pretend to be me as it is for me to pretend to be me.”
“The essence of courage is timing. Take me, for example. I’ll show up to fight anybody, anywhere. I’ll just show up a day late.”
“I am who I’ve been pretending to be my whole life.”
“I crossed a time zone and I feel younger already. If I keep traveling west, I can become immortal!”
“The sign on the side of the highway said “Shoulder Work,” and I thought, “I could go for a massage right now.” So I pulled over.”
“You can read until you’re blue in the face, but I’d recommend writing until you’re red in the face. And ass.”