Jarod Kintz
This is it, this is my biography. The story of Jarod Kintz begins now.
Let’s knock out the trivial first. I was born in Salt Lake City on March 5th. Now that you know my birthday, please feel free to get me birthday presents. Notice how I used the plural, presents? More than one gift would be greatly appreciated. Appropriate gifts include gold coins, bars of silver, and large tracts of land (preferably beachfront property). Or you could just buy me a drink—soda, natural, because I don’t drink either alcohol or high fructose corn syrup.
Skipping ahead a few years, and a few hundred miles, we come to Denver, Colorado. For a few years I attended Mackintosh Academy. In the second grade, along with English, I studied French, Spanish, and Japanese. Out of all those language classes, I remember one word: Andrea. That was my girlfriend at the time, the one who left me for my best friend. I guess I remember two words, as I remember his name too, but his name is almost sacred, as a name that shall never be uttered.
Right after second grade ended my family moved to Jacksonville, Florida. It was Jacksonville that I would come to know as home, and would attend the rest of my schooling until college.
At this point I was a mediocre student. I believe I had a perfect 2.0 grade point average from third grade until I graduated from high school. My favorite classes were art, P.E., and lunch. Oh, is one of those not a class? No way—I believe art is still considered a class.
When not cracking jokes in class, I would be doing one of three things: drawing, passing notes, or sleeping. In high school I started to not only be mentally absent from class, but physically gone too. I’d skip class like a flat rock skips across a pond.
After high school, it was on to college. In all I have attended six colleges. I bounced around like a dodgeball on a trampoline. If you count the college classes I took starting my junior year of high school, then I got my four-year degree in nine years. And if you’re going to do something, you might as well do it at least twice as well as everybody else—or at least at least twice as long.
I graduated with an English degree from the University of Florida, but I took creative writing classes from both UF and Florida State University. All though college I fancied myself a fancy man, because I was an aspiring writer. Mostly I wrote t-shirt slogans and other pithy things. In the spring of 2005 I did manage to sell a line of t-shirts to Urban Outfitters.
That is my lone success in life. Seriously. Well, so far anyway. But my story is just beginning. I plan on failing my way to success. I have been rejected by literary agents, publishers, MFA programs, all sorts of women. But still I keep writing.
I have written many “books,” and I use the term books loosely. Mostly they are just compilations of my random thoughts and one-liners. But I like writing them, and people seem to like reading them. and that’s what it’s all about, right?
All my books are self-published, either through iUniverse or the wonderful Amazon Kindle program. I encourage everybody to write. Share yourself with the world. If there is one thing I like to impress upon people, it’s that you can do it, even if you can’t. Just keep can’ting until eventually you can. And you can quote me on that.
“I dance so fluid that I often drink the floor.”
“When anybody honks at me in traffic, I blush, wave, and shout, “Thanks for being a fan.” Being a celebrity is a 24/7 thing.”
“After dinner I wanted to talk to her about buying a clone. But that’s probably just too much for her to handle, especially since she herself is a clone, and I murdered the original of her. You’d think she’d be grateful, the unoriginal bitch.”
“I wanted a divorce, so I bought myself a house, to give me the incentive to stay married.”
“I am a master of logic and a powerfully convincing debater. In fact, against my better judgment, I can talk myself out of doing anything.”
“I left my youth behind me. It peddled the bicycle while I rode on the handlebars.”
“I just broke up with my girlfriend. My wife will be pleased. But first she’ll be displeased, because she didn’t know I had a girlfriend.”
“The first thing she told me after I hit on her was that she had a boyfriend of nine months, and I thought, what kind of sick bitch dates infants?”
“I just weighed myself, and I thought I weighed 165, but it turns out I weigh 180. Wow! I’ve put on muscle mass and I haven’t even been working out at all!”
“Cats are always there when you need them, asleep, telling you with their body language that they don’t need you.”
“We had a good time together. 3:33, to be exact.”
“Participation trophies are junk. If all you have to do is show up, how worthless are they? Unless you’re invisible and deaf, and then one of those trophies would be meaningful, because simply showing up is exactly what is hard for you to do.”
“If I see a homeless person begging for change, I might give them money, if they’ve got change for a nickel.”
“I want to be the leading man in a story about followers.”
“She asked if I wanted to spoon with her, and I told her I didn’t want to stir things up.”
“If you were to talk about your nose, I’d take everything you’d say at face value.”
“It's sad to see old friends have to move away, but at the same time, you know the retirement home is the best place for them.”
“A smile is like a simile, if you have a mouth like a metaphor. That would make for like the best kiss ever.”
“What’s blacker than black? Does summer shade have a shadow? Is that how loneliness looks and where it lurks?”
“I feel like someone who has a parade named in their honor, and doesn’t get invited.”
“I don’t understand open relationships. My relationship is like a normal business at 5:01 pm: very much closed.”
“If my name were Entist, I’d probably be a dentist. If my name were Dennis, I’d probably be into tennis. And if my name were Funnalingus, well, I’ll let you figure out what I’d enjoy.”
“Bury the truth, along with the bodies of the disbelievers.”
“She asked me if I wanted to have sex, and I replied, “With you, or in general?”
“My lips touched hers, like two butterflies in the wind. Then I went home, cut off my eyelids, and I’ve been living in darkness since.”
“To be environmentally friendly, I’d ride my stationary bike to work. I hope my career works out, because it feels like I'm just spinning my wheels.”
“William Penn would be a great pen name. But for love letters to manicured lawns, trees, and benches, the best name would be Nicholas Parks.”
“I am my own clone. I’m not who I was yesterday, but then again I am.”
“On the night of the murder I was at home, asleep. The characters in my dream can vouch for me.”
“Aside from criminology, I’d say archaeology has the highest body count.”
“I’ve demanded of myself to be more demanding of others.”
“I went to the priest for confession, but he didn’t do it.”
“If you tell me I look like someone you know, I might get panicked and think you’re on to me. I thought nobody saw me abduct that guy and steal his identity.”
“I like food that speaks to me. Food like French toast, English muffins, and Deviled eggs. Oh, oval embryonic spawn of chicken, why hast thou deceived me?”
“Any lustful fool can love a million women, but only a real man can love one woman cloned a million times.”
“There is safety in numbers. And science. Clone your way to being safe. Nobody can protect you like you. And you and you and you.”
“There are many ways to kill someone. I prefer laughter, and doing it slowly, over the course of 70 years or so.”
“Patience and wisdom walk hand in hand, like two one-armed lovers.”
“I want my last 50 years on this earth to be amazing. Of course, I still want to have 150 years before those last 50 years begin.”
“Some people talk nonstop and manage to say nothing at all. Other people are more efficient and manage to say nothing at all simply by saying nothing.”
“If a gorgeous woman hits on me right off the bat, I’m suspicious. I wonder what she wants. If she hasn’t heard my wit, felt my charm, how could I appeal to her? I’m no Brad Pitt. So what is she after? Most likely it’s my horse cock.”
“I like to vote, but not be voted on. I don’t mind losing one on one, but to lose through a vote means the majority think I’m a loser.”
“My girlfriend is as reasonable as Lady Justice, and just as blindfolded. She’s tied up in the trunk this very moment.”
“Put your middle finger and your thumb together. And make it snappy. ”
“I asked my doctor for the best gift ever: Life. Still, he wouldn’t take one for me.”
“If I were a lawyer, I’d only date women named Sue.”
“I haven’t been feeling like myself lately. No, I’ve been feeling like my clone.”
“I want to be the mayor of a small town. A small town I populated entirely with my seed.”
“Teach a man to fish, and he can provide for others. Teach a man selfishness, and he’ll only be interested in providing for himself.”
“I’m sure I look memorable in my tuxedo, and she looks gorgeous in her wedding gown. I’ve wanted to marry her since I first met her. And being the best man doesn’t make me feel better.”