Jarod Kintz
This is it, this is my biography. The story of Jarod Kintz begins now.
Let’s knock out the trivial first. I was born in Salt Lake City on March 5th. Now that you know my birthday, please feel free to get me birthday presents. Notice how I used the plural, presents? More than one gift would be greatly appreciated. Appropriate gifts include gold coins, bars of silver, and large tracts of land (preferably beachfront property). Or you could just buy me a drink—soda, natural, because I don’t drink either alcohol or high fructose corn syrup.
Skipping ahead a few years, and a few hundred miles, we come to Denver, Colorado. For a few years I attended Mackintosh Academy. In the second grade, along with English, I studied French, Spanish, and Japanese. Out of all those language classes, I remember one word: Andrea. That was my girlfriend at the time, the one who left me for my best friend. I guess I remember two words, as I remember his name too, but his name is almost sacred, as a name that shall never be uttered.
Right after second grade ended my family moved to Jacksonville, Florida. It was Jacksonville that I would come to know as home, and would attend the rest of my schooling until college.
At this point I was a mediocre student. I believe I had a perfect 2.0 grade point average from third grade until I graduated from high school. My favorite classes were art, P.E., and lunch. Oh, is one of those not a class? No way—I believe art is still considered a class.
When not cracking jokes in class, I would be doing one of three things: drawing, passing notes, or sleeping. In high school I started to not only be mentally absent from class, but physically gone too. I’d skip class like a flat rock skips across a pond.
After high school, it was on to college. In all I have attended six colleges. I bounced around like a dodgeball on a trampoline. If you count the college classes I took starting my junior year of high school, then I got my four-year degree in nine years. And if you’re going to do something, you might as well do it at least twice as well as everybody else—or at least at least twice as long.
I graduated with an English degree from the University of Florida, but I took creative writing classes from both UF and Florida State University. All though college I fancied myself a fancy man, because I was an aspiring writer. Mostly I wrote t-shirt slogans and other pithy things. In the spring of 2005 I did manage to sell a line of t-shirts to Urban Outfitters.
That is my lone success in life. Seriously. Well, so far anyway. But my story is just beginning. I plan on failing my way to success. I have been rejected by literary agents, publishers, MFA programs, all sorts of women. But still I keep writing.
I have written many “books,” and I use the term books loosely. Mostly they are just compilations of my random thoughts and one-liners. But I like writing them, and people seem to like reading them. and that’s what it’s all about, right?
All my books are self-published, either through iUniverse or the wonderful Amazon Kindle program. I encourage everybody to write. Share yourself with the world. If there is one thing I like to impress upon people, it’s that you can do it, even if you can’t. Just keep can’ting until eventually you can. And you can quote me on that.
“I need to hire a babysitter for Friday night. I also need to buy myself some adult diapers.”
“The first two letters of her name were M and E and I thought, Yes! Finally, a name I can relate to.”
“Even though I know my own name (barely), I still sometimes write my name wrong. Usually it only happens when I write in cursive and am endorsing checks for money I can’t recall earning.”
“I honk at protestors to show my support, and also tell them to get the fuck out of my way.”
“I like using scented markers. Especially when I’m trying to color the inside of my nostrils.”
“It’s absolutely unfair for women to say that guys only want one thing: sex. We also want food.”
“I bought a house in a depressed neighborhood. The prices weren’t low, but the people were all bummed out.”
“I want to own a wind farm. Don’t breathe, or you’ll undermine the price of my crop.”
“I love like a lawnmower in the desert. I love like a solar-powered lunar vehicle. I love like a wind-powered kite factory. Some might even say I love like an ice cube in an oven, but I’d vehemently disagree. It’s not an ice cube, it’s an ice sculpture—of your heart, and it’s melting at this very moment.”
“As much as I want to make love to you, I’d rather make love to your clone.”
“Toothpaste pie is no substitute for swishing around minty-fresh love in your mouth and then rinsing out with cold, refreshing reality. But don’t take my word for it, because I’m not a dentist.”
“I would rather make love than war, but only because condoms kill millions of lives more enjoyably.”
“The only drink I like ice in is water, because you can’t water down water. I’m like that with love, too. Don’t you dare add any ice to the hot liquid loving I’m trying to pour all over you.”
“Love is a blue balloon that wants to be orange. Go Gators!”
“Pizza is circular. So is an hour. I’ll take two slices—to go.”
“Love is like a free lunch. You won’t find any in this life, because I had yours for breakfast.”
“Love smells like a flower in bloom. A flower that's sitting on a pile of steaming feces.”
“If I had no penis, how would I pee? How would I make love? How would I think?”
“Love speaks to the heart like a mime to a mute.”
“Love doesn’t have form (aside from your naked body), but it does have a shape. The shape of love is circular, like a STOP sign.”
“If love were a color, it’d be transparent, like all women’s clothing should be.”
“I love mankind. And by mankind I mean women.”
“I am approximately 96.694444% in love with you. Of course, that’s just a rough estimate.”
“All I need is your love. And money.”
“I am the earthquake of love. How you feel is my fault.”
“I’m crazy in love. I’m just crazy.”
“I am the broth of love. Make soup to me.”
“I keep my love in the fridge, next to my meat, because you simply can’t beat it.”
“She didn't say it, I only thought she said it. So really it was my thought, my words, and not hers. How could I confuse "I love you" with "May I take your order?”
“I don’t want to make love last, I want to make love second to last. The last thing we’ll do is cuddle.”
“Love is like jumping out of an airplane with no parachute. But there’s no need to be frightened, because that plane is still on the ground.”
“Love doesn’t spend its time watering your plants. But it might bubblegum swank monkey mouth with you—twice.”
“Love is when you love someone’s spirit as much as their body, even if their spirit has departed and their body is buried wherever you hid it.”
“I want to write a song about the only girl I’ve ever loved. And the chorus will say something like, “I really want to see you tonight, so I hope you leave your blinds open.”
“I am the Love Camel of Llama Land. Come, hop on my hump and let me lead you to water.”
“I long for your love like the length of a midget.”
“Woman, I could drown in your love, but I’d much rather be strangled. More passionate, don’t you agree?”
“My love for you is shaped like a left foot. And if you pulled my love out of your ass you’d know that.”
“If love were seaweed, I’d ask myself one question: Are you the sort of person who’d swim through it, or would you rather eat it? As for me, pass me my Speedo, and a spoon.”
“Love has a certain weightlessness to it, much as my meaty penis would on the moon.”
“Love is a green sky on a blue pasture, and I am the flying cow eating it all up.”
“I make love like I make lasagna: with extra meat.”
“I believe there are three tenants to live by in this apartment called Life: Love is empowering, Fear is motivating, and Passion is fruit.”
“Love is tender, like the pot roast I’m keeping warm in my shoes.”
“You tell me you love me, but I’m not sure you know what love is, or how fast it flies, or how much it resembles a UFO, or what kind of weapon you’d use to shoot it down.”
“Love is you wearing her favorite shirt of yours, just like you did yesterday and the day before. And the day before that too.”
“Love is, or you isn’t.”
“Love is like a portable lamp/sex toy. The world calls those flashlights, but I’m much more romantic.”
“Love isn’t a series of slogans like “Just do it,” “It’s the real thing,” or “Go ahead, stick it in my butt.” Love is much more than that. Love is also a logo. I know, because I have it tattooed on my ass.”
“I would give you all my love, but I’m afraid I’d get nothing in return. And coming from you, nothing is simply much more than I want.”