Jarod Kintz
This is it, this is my biography. The story of Jarod Kintz begins now.
Let’s knock out the trivial first. I was born in Salt Lake City on March 5th. Now that you know my birthday, please feel free to get me birthday presents. Notice how I used the plural, presents? More than one gift would be greatly appreciated. Appropriate gifts include gold coins, bars of silver, and large tracts of land (preferably beachfront property). Or you could just buy me a drink—soda, natural, because I don’t drink either alcohol or high fructose corn syrup.
Skipping ahead a few years, and a few hundred miles, we come to Denver, Colorado. For a few years I attended Mackintosh Academy. In the second grade, along with English, I studied French, Spanish, and Japanese. Out of all those language classes, I remember one word: Andrea. That was my girlfriend at the time, the one who left me for my best friend. I guess I remember two words, as I remember his name too, but his name is almost sacred, as a name that shall never be uttered.
Right after second grade ended my family moved to Jacksonville, Florida. It was Jacksonville that I would come to know as home, and would attend the rest of my schooling until college.
At this point I was a mediocre student. I believe I had a perfect 2.0 grade point average from third grade until I graduated from high school. My favorite classes were art, P.E., and lunch. Oh, is one of those not a class? No way—I believe art is still considered a class.
When not cracking jokes in class, I would be doing one of three things: drawing, passing notes, or sleeping. In high school I started to not only be mentally absent from class, but physically gone too. I’d skip class like a flat rock skips across a pond.
After high school, it was on to college. In all I have attended six colleges. I bounced around like a dodgeball on a trampoline. If you count the college classes I took starting my junior year of high school, then I got my four-year degree in nine years. And if you’re going to do something, you might as well do it at least twice as well as everybody else—or at least at least twice as long.
I graduated with an English degree from the University of Florida, but I took creative writing classes from both UF and Florida State University. All though college I fancied myself a fancy man, because I was an aspiring writer. Mostly I wrote t-shirt slogans and other pithy things. In the spring of 2005 I did manage to sell a line of t-shirts to Urban Outfitters.
That is my lone success in life. Seriously. Well, so far anyway. But my story is just beginning. I plan on failing my way to success. I have been rejected by literary agents, publishers, MFA programs, all sorts of women. But still I keep writing.
I have written many “books,” and I use the term books loosely. Mostly they are just compilations of my random thoughts and one-liners. But I like writing them, and people seem to like reading them. and that’s what it’s all about, right?
All my books are self-published, either through iUniverse or the wonderful Amazon Kindle program. I encourage everybody to write. Share yourself with the world. If there is one thing I like to impress upon people, it’s that you can do it, even if you can’t. Just keep can’ting until eventually you can. And you can quote me on that.
“Arizona is the A to Z of abbreviations.”
“If you’re at the bar trying to pick up women, remember: bend at the knees.”
“If sharks really can smell blood, then I’d imagine they’re all salivating over my erection right now.”
“I’m probably the last person on earth who will tell you I want to be the last person on earth.”
“I’ll be 30 in March, and it feels just like yesterday that I thought tomorrow will soon be today.”
“I saw a hermaphrodite changing, so out of respect, I turned halfway around.”
“I’d like to tweeze all the Tuesdays of the year, and all the Mondays off my chest.”
“My mom gave me life, so I gave her batteries. AA batteries.”
“I like undressing women with my eyes, but I just can’t quite figure out how to unstrap their bras with my eyelids.”
“You don’t offend me. At least not until I change my name. Once I change it to Asshole, then I might be offended you keep calling me Jarod.”
“If you work in a hospital, you can’t easily fake call in sick to work. Oh, you’re sick? Well why don’t you come in to work and we’ll have a look at it.”
“My brother was a great swimmer. He was as fast as a shark. Well, almost. It beat him by a half a leg's length, right below the knee.”
“I made out like a bandit. Not that I’ve ever made out with a bandit.”
“My fur coat is still wet, not from the rain, but from where my cat was licking it. Well, my future fur coat. I have yet to kill and skin it.”
“If you’re from a town called Away, when you’re home, you’re Away. But when you’re away, you’re not home.”
“A disobedient child is one who blinks of his own volition, without being told to or even looked at. That’s usually when I get out the Behavior Cloth (a blindfold).”
“I’m losing more hours of sunlight at night than anywhere else.”
“Siamese twins have it great because one can jack off while the other talks dirty.”
“You are getting a wooden leg for your birthday, and you are going to love it. Incidentally, this means removing your leg below the knee. You’ll make lots of friends. You can even attach a bundle of straw at the end, like a broom, and apply to be a janitor.”
“I nearly ran him over after he ran out in front of my car. So I slammed on the brakes, rolled down my window, and said, “Do you realize I could have killed you?” “It was stupid of me to run out in front of you,” he said. “Yeah, it was,” I replied. “But I’m not talking about now. Last Tuesday I could have killed you. Had you in the scope of my rifle, but I let you live. Now THAT was stupid.”
“I don’t like to brag or frighten, but I’ve got a black belt. And a brown one, which I sometimes wear with black slacks.”
“I fish better than any fish alive.”
“Critique my better work only, because I want to get better from my best, not better from my worst.”
“I can’t tell my ass from a hole in the ground. Especially if that hole is hairy and emits foul odors.”
“I killed him, but that doesn’t mean I enjoyed every second of every month of the torture process.”
“Opportunity seldom rises with blood pressure.”
“I have two problems with hard labor: hard and labor. I prefer soft, and I’d prefer not giving birth.”
“I want to have a bunch of kids so I can open a factory and have free labor. Beat that, China!”
“On your birthday you should throw me a party. This is my advice for everybody, especially my clones.”
“I always leave the toilet seat up. It’s just easier to wash my hair that way.”
“I got a new car. I just need to put it together. They’re easier to steal piece by piece.”
“With anal sex, I suggest you start gently. Find a slender midget. Or a member of Congress.”
“Fashion Tip Number 12: Gray is not the color to wear if you want to get noticed in a smoky, dingy dungeon.”
“I want to leave a legacy. I'll leave him in the trunk, tied up, at a parking garage on the campus of the university where he graduated.”
“I want to sit on the sofa, eating potato chips, while wearing one of those vibrating ab belts and getting a workout.”
“I want to move to a ghost town and try to sell the population bodies to dwell in.”
“Up until I saw the hair in my food, it was delicious. You know, cannibalism isn’t so bad.”
“North, south, east, west, I need to find a nude erection to point the way.”
“I just recently figured out how mirrors work. Pretty cool. That guy always hungrily staring at my naked body was me!”
“There’s not a lot of food on the moon. Not unless you’re into cannibalism.”
“The perfect vehicle to take to the moon would be a two-door Saturn with a sunroof.”
“If my last name were Bedient, I’d want to Irishize it and have you call me O’Bedient. Of course, just because you call me, doesn’t mean I’ll come.”
“I told you I didn’t want to go. Of course, I really did want to go, but I just said I didn’t want to go so you’d beg me to go and I could feel needed. I’m needy like that.”
“I like to schedule dentist appointments for March 32, otherwise known as April Fool’s Day.”
“I want to do something spontaneous, like combust.”
“The fastest way to lose weight is to find religion and start fasting.”
“I recorded the ding-dong sound that shoplifting sensors at the doors of Wal-Mart make. Now I just stand at the exit and press play as people try to leave.”
“I called an insurance company to get a quote. They gave me one of Oscar Wilde’s best.”
“I smiled, and you winked. I think. Perhaps you merely blink with one eye at a time.”
“If my life’s work could fit on a stamp, I’d want you to lick it before I die.”