Jarod Kintz
This is it, this is my biography. The story of Jarod Kintz begins now.
Let’s knock out the trivial first. I was born in Salt Lake City on March 5th. Now that you know my birthday, please feel free to get me birthday presents. Notice how I used the plural, presents? More than one gift would be greatly appreciated. Appropriate gifts include gold coins, bars of silver, and large tracts of land (preferably beachfront property). Or you could just buy me a drink—soda, natural, because I don’t drink either alcohol or high fructose corn syrup.
Skipping ahead a few years, and a few hundred miles, we come to Denver, Colorado. For a few years I attended Mackintosh Academy. In the second grade, along with English, I studied French, Spanish, and Japanese. Out of all those language classes, I remember one word: Andrea. That was my girlfriend at the time, the one who left me for my best friend. I guess I remember two words, as I remember his name too, but his name is almost sacred, as a name that shall never be uttered.
Right after second grade ended my family moved to Jacksonville, Florida. It was Jacksonville that I would come to know as home, and would attend the rest of my schooling until college.
At this point I was a mediocre student. I believe I had a perfect 2.0 grade point average from third grade until I graduated from high school. My favorite classes were art, P.E., and lunch. Oh, is one of those not a class? No way—I believe art is still considered a class.
When not cracking jokes in class, I would be doing one of three things: drawing, passing notes, or sleeping. In high school I started to not only be mentally absent from class, but physically gone too. I’d skip class like a flat rock skips across a pond.
After high school, it was on to college. In all I have attended six colleges. I bounced around like a dodgeball on a trampoline. If you count the college classes I took starting my junior year of high school, then I got my four-year degree in nine years. And if you’re going to do something, you might as well do it at least twice as well as everybody else—or at least at least twice as long.
I graduated with an English degree from the University of Florida, but I took creative writing classes from both UF and Florida State University. All though college I fancied myself a fancy man, because I was an aspiring writer. Mostly I wrote t-shirt slogans and other pithy things. In the spring of 2005 I did manage to sell a line of t-shirts to Urban Outfitters.
That is my lone success in life. Seriously. Well, so far anyway. But my story is just beginning. I plan on failing my way to success. I have been rejected by literary agents, publishers, MFA programs, all sorts of women. But still I keep writing.
I have written many “books,” and I use the term books loosely. Mostly they are just compilations of my random thoughts and one-liners. But I like writing them, and people seem to like reading them. and that’s what it’s all about, right?
All my books are self-published, either through iUniverse or the wonderful Amazon Kindle program. I encourage everybody to write. Share yourself with the world. If there is one thing I like to impress upon people, it’s that you can do it, even if you can’t. Just keep can’ting until eventually you can. And you can quote me on that.
“Love walked in the door like a dusty cowboy, and I looked that cowboy dead in his eyes and said, “I thought I shot you.” And his eyes never blinked, wavered, or watered as he said, “You did. You shot me in the leg. But you can’t kill love that easily. And today you’re going to learn how deadly Love can be.” That was over four years ago, and I’m still alive. So that was his plan all along, to serve me up a super slow death. Sort of like torture, only imperceptible and more pleasant.”
“If love were a variety of dog, I’d want mine hot. I’d take my love with ketchup and mustard.”
“I am the archaeologist of love. I’m digging for the bones of a loved one I shot and buried decades ago.”
“To maximize love, I try to emulate an omelet. And I’m not just saying that to sound romantic.”
“Pain produces progress. So if you truly love me, you will try to hurt me as much as you can. If you really want me to grow as a person, you will water me with betrayal, abuse, neglect, derision, thievery, and possibly even torture.”
“Love is the science of reducing your sound while upping the amplitude of another person.”
“All I have to say about love can be summed up in nine words: Never wipe your ass before you take a shit.”
“In the throes of passion, I threw out an I love you. Did I mean it? Does a dictionary mean what it says?”
“Escalators are the offspring of elevators and stairs. Love is the progeny of passion and admiration.”
“Love should last a lifetime. But not the lifetime of a giant tortoise. More like the lifespan of a gastrotrich.”
“I’ll tell you what love is. Love is walking up and down Archer Road in Gainesville, Florida and feeling like Cupid. Too bad the cops took issue with me hitch hiking with a bow and arrow.”
“Love is silence multiplied by noise and divided by two.”
“Love is as old as time, though it is considerably more difficult to stuff inside a watch.”
“I am a love factory. I make love out of high quality plastics at an affordable price.”
“When I was in the second grade, I used to think love was the feeling a man gets while riding a motorcycle and having a woman embrace him tightly from behind. Maybe I’m cynical now, but I’m starting to think love is a unicycle with a flat tire.”
“The greatest thing in the world is love. But the worst isn’t hate, it’s ignoringance.”
“Love is, just like isn’t isn’t is.”
“I live for the moment and love for eternity. I mean I’d like to, but I’m too impatient for either.”
“Love has boundaries, like a map, and I guess that makes me a cartographer. Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re too topographical for my taste.”
“I’m always the last in love by exactly one person.”
“Love like you owe nothing, and pay in full.”
“If you don’t know how to love, then any old robot or mechanical device would best suit your relationship style. In this situation, vacuum cleaners might make the best lovers.”
“I love the sunrise, but not as much as I love you. Will you pass me my midnight-black blindfold?”
“Love is like learning to ride a midget, which I’ve never done because I’m afraid of heights.”
“If you don’t know what love feels like, you’re in luck, because I just finished making a new pair of Love Gloves. They’re lined with fur and are perfect for a cold February 14th winter day. I’ll let you borrow them sometime, maybe even this summer. I recommend wearing them in conjunction with my Sensitivity Pants, which are so tight they show the emotion betrayed by your crotch.”
“I know a woman loves me when she leaves me leftovers in the fridge from the date she went on the night before.”
“You know you’re in love when you reach out to hold your woman’s hand, without remembering that her hands are full because you insisted she carry all the groceries out to the car.”
“A wife is a friend first, a lover second, and third and probably most important, a maid.”
“I was rubbing the pieces of bacon like they were strands of a lover’s hair. Of course they weren’t, because all my exes had hair like scrambled eggs.”
“Don’t just stand there with your Eiffel Tower smile. Tell me you love me, and tell me in French. ”
“Let love find you. Don’t go looking for it. The best way to attract a mate is to post an ad on Craigslist titled, “Have lube, will travel.”
“I blew the love trumpet until my cheeks were blue. Then I paid 34 bucks for a taxicab ride home so I could admire my receding hairline in the mirror.”
“Love will make a man do some funny things, like tightrope walking across a telephone wire, rather than simply picking up the phone to call or text.”
“I’ve got a way with love. Away with love.”
“You and I have a love so secret that not even you know about it. But first, let me introduce myself.”
“I wanted to tell her “I love you” back, but I guess in waiting for the perfect moment (the next commercial break), I ended up completely forgetting.”
“Love is the jelly to sunshine’s peanut butter. And if I tell you that I’m in sandwich with you, I’m not just saying it to get in your Ziploc bag.”
“Love waits patiently. In the lobby. I’ll be with you as soon as I can.”
“Love is the hero of all emotions. My love for you is a superhero, and it looks great hidden behind a mask.”
“I love like an albino. But I don’t want to get sunburned, so would you please pass the ketchup?”
“Love is like whoa! Actually, it's closer to woe.”
“We can’t be lovers because we both have mustaches. But since you’re a lady, and I’m a gentleman, I’ll shave mine off.”
“To love someone as much as you love yourself, that is the ideal. Especially if that someone is your clone. ”
“Love is the most amazing feeling in the world. Let me double check. Yep, love is a feeling.”
“I want to read the employment section of the Bible. I think it’s simply called Job.”
“I want to mail my mailman something. He always brings me mail, yet I never give him any mail. Maybe he will appreciate the thought, or maybe he will feel I am making more work for him.”
“Before I die, I want to change my name to "Here," so that my tombstone could simply read, "Here lies." And then people who knew me could walk by, shake their head, and say, "Ain't that the truth.”
“I want to put silencers on all guns. That way war will be nothing more than a whisper in the future. And all those who are caught whispering will be shot.”
“Look down and you may miss a shooting star in the sky. Look up and you may miss a starfish in the sand. But quick, look straight ahead and tell me what is that big, blurry thing that’s so bright? Oh yeah, that’s my love for you.”
“Tomorrow is promised to no man, though I’m under the impression I have an earthly meeting with God on the day after tomorrow. So that’s nice.”