Jarod Kintz
This is it, this is my biography. The story of Jarod Kintz begins now.
Let’s knock out the trivial first. I was born in Salt Lake City on March 5th. Now that you know my birthday, please feel free to get me birthday presents. Notice how I used the plural, presents? More than one gift would be greatly appreciated. Appropriate gifts include gold coins, bars of silver, and large tracts of land (preferably beachfront property). Or you could just buy me a drink—soda, natural, because I don’t drink either alcohol or high fructose corn syrup.
Skipping ahead a few years, and a few hundred miles, we come to Denver, Colorado. For a few years I attended Mackintosh Academy. In the second grade, along with English, I studied French, Spanish, and Japanese. Out of all those language classes, I remember one word: Andrea. That was my girlfriend at the time, the one who left me for my best friend. I guess I remember two words, as I remember his name too, but his name is almost sacred, as a name that shall never be uttered.
Right after second grade ended my family moved to Jacksonville, Florida. It was Jacksonville that I would come to know as home, and would attend the rest of my schooling until college.
At this point I was a mediocre student. I believe I had a perfect 2.0 grade point average from third grade until I graduated from high school. My favorite classes were art, P.E., and lunch. Oh, is one of those not a class? No way—I believe art is still considered a class.
When not cracking jokes in class, I would be doing one of three things: drawing, passing notes, or sleeping. In high school I started to not only be mentally absent from class, but physically gone too. I’d skip class like a flat rock skips across a pond.
After high school, it was on to college. In all I have attended six colleges. I bounced around like a dodgeball on a trampoline. If you count the college classes I took starting my junior year of high school, then I got my four-year degree in nine years. And if you’re going to do something, you might as well do it at least twice as well as everybody else—or at least at least twice as long.
I graduated with an English degree from the University of Florida, but I took creative writing classes from both UF and Florida State University. All though college I fancied myself a fancy man, because I was an aspiring writer. Mostly I wrote t-shirt slogans and other pithy things. In the spring of 2005 I did manage to sell a line of t-shirts to Urban Outfitters.
That is my lone success in life. Seriously. Well, so far anyway. But my story is just beginning. I plan on failing my way to success. I have been rejected by literary agents, publishers, MFA programs, all sorts of women. But still I keep writing.
I have written many “books,” and I use the term books loosely. Mostly they are just compilations of my random thoughts and one-liners. But I like writing them, and people seem to like reading them. and that’s what it’s all about, right?
All my books are self-published, either through iUniverse or the wonderful Amazon Kindle program. I encourage everybody to write. Share yourself with the world. If there is one thing I like to impress upon people, it’s that you can do it, even if you can’t. Just keep can’ting until eventually you can. And you can quote me on that.
“Love gives you wings. Icarus and the Challenger both had wings, and so did my first love letter, after I folded it up and flung it at my crush. ”
“Learning how to love is like learning how to tie your shoes, and that’s precisely why I wear slippers.”
“His first name is Brooks, but his last name isn’t. His last name is Wrinkled, unlike his shirt (he isn’t wearing one).”
“I don’t like writers whose writing is so obvious that I can predict what he’ll write while I’m still taking in his current thoughts. Why, this means that I know what he knows, and the point of reading is to discover things and thoughts which I don’t already know or that haven’t occurred to me. The greatest amusement is surprise. Fellatio! (Bet you didn’t see that coming!)”
“On cloudy days I just want to raise my arm up, stand on my toes, and screw a light bulb into the sky. Don’t worry, my light bulb is energy efficient—it runs on solar power.”
“Some people work to live, and other people live to work. Then some people, like me, are both unemployed and alive (at least at the time of this writing). ”
“Tanks are so big and expensive they should be Buy One Get One Free. If they were, I’d buy 60 of them (I’d save up my allowance money).”
“I fell in love with a beautiful girl, got her pregnant, and then I got married. I wonder whatever happened to that beautiful girl I got pregnant.”
“Larry Bird looks like a bird, and Johnny Vagina looks like—hey, what is that in the sky? ”
“If green carpet grew on trees instead of leaves, I’d pick off a few cats—with my rifle.”
“What do you call a schooner in a wine glass? Port.”
“My first and last name is like a candy bar in your mouth that you can chew on as you say it.”
“I’ll bet if I write a sentence and mention the word “edit,” people will slow down and scour my words for errors. Did it wrok? ”
“I have a deep respect for shallow pockets. They keep politicians honest. ”
“Conspiracy theorists like to claim NASA’s moon landing was faked. Well of course it was! But the biggest conspiracy of all is the Columbus landed in the new world in the late 15th century. There is no new world. It simply doesn’t exist. And Amerigo Vespucci? He was a character out of Walt Disney’s diary. ”
“I’m very proud of my body of work. You should see it naked sometime.”
“I’ll never be as old as someone older than me, but I can be older than them if I outlive their lifespan.”
“Free pyramids! Buy one, get one half buried.”
“If you’re wrestling someone underwater, don’t try to choke them, because it’s redundant since they already can’t breathe.”
“If I had a necklace made out of tiny suns, I’d only wear it at night when you could really see it. Sadly, I don’t have a necklace like that. The closest thing I have is a necklace made out of those glow in the dark stars you stick to bedroom ceilings. But I only wear that on special occasions, like bedtime. ”
“I sneezed into the wind, and closed my eyes and imagined my face was barraged by cool ocean spray.”
“Walking on the beach like a ventriloquist, I’ll make it sound like the ocean is calling out to you—through a conch shell.”
“Large metal objects moving at high speeds have such an impact on me that I just get paralyzed. Honk if you’re horny, and find men in wheelchairs sexy.”
“If a building were shaped like a body, I’d imagine you’d exit out the rear.”
“If I knew what you’d do, exactly when you knew what you’d do, then I’d either be you or I’d be God. And we both know I’m not you.”
“All books are coloring books, if you are in possession of a childlike imagination, and a box of markers.”
“I’d rather fall in molten lava than fall in love. But I suppose that’s just the romantic me.”
“Writer’s want to write something that’ll live forever. I don’t. What do I care if my writing lives forever if I won’t? I just want to be recognized while I’m still alive. ”
“I have an 8th grade education. Of course, I also have a bachelor’s degree.”
“A mine divided in two isn’t as preferential as a yours divided in two. ”
“I put the hop in IHOP, and jumped on my pan of pancakes and then on to Panama. That’s standard government issued foolishness right there.”
“It may seem like good is always reacting in response to evil, and evil always makes the first move, but if the universe is essentially good, and I believe it is, then evil can only ever be reactionary.”
“If somebody offered me Cyanide, my only question would be, Is it organic? Because organic is always the healthier option.”
“Fish like shiny things, stupid people like shiny things, and the late Nebular Romular Ichibar IV liked shiny things. He burned to death when he flew too close to a bright star, which ironically got swallowed up by the least shiny object in the universe—a black hole.”
“I’m an open book—an open book I’m still writing and editing. My book is a romance novel, sort of like The Secret.”
“If I had a wooden leg I could sit on three-legged chairs no problem.”
“Throw a pair of Band-Aids over your eyelids, and open your eyes to your wounds.”
“The birds bark my name, and I meow theirs in return. I may be a bit mixed up about life, but not about love. Or maybe I mixed that up.”
“I’m a competitor. I once placed fifth in a bottle of whiskey.”
“My girlfriend has two aliases. Clones aside, it’s the only time I’ve ever felt like I was cheating on one person with the same person. ”
“I was part of a sting operation. We busted some bees.”
“My nickname in high school was Catch 22. Not because I was a walking dilemma, but because I had 22 catches freshman year. The interesting part was that I didn’t play football, but that’s just how inaccurate our quarterback was.”
“I worked with a sketch artist, but I was driving fast when I saw the suspect, so the drawing came out blurry.”
“I didn’t go to the water park because it was raining, and I didn’t want to get wet.”
“I’d rate his work at four stars. Of course, he is a general, so maybe I could pin my rating on his lapel.”
“I am the world’s greatest American. I narrowly beat out all of China for the title.”
“I carry a concealed weapon—high cholesterol. It’s deadly. ”
“I am the time machine of love. Quick, pull my big lever!”
“Acne is nothing more than nature’s Braille.”
“A whisper is like the shadow of a shout. My shout’s a little too green if I let it grow in my neighbor’s yard.”