Jarod Kintz
This is it, this is my biography. The story of Jarod Kintz begins now.
Let’s knock out the trivial first. I was born in Salt Lake City on March 5th. Now that you know my birthday, please feel free to get me birthday presents. Notice how I used the plural, presents? More than one gift would be greatly appreciated. Appropriate gifts include gold coins, bars of silver, and large tracts of land (preferably beachfront property). Or you could just buy me a drink—soda, natural, because I don’t drink either alcohol or high fructose corn syrup.
Skipping ahead a few years, and a few hundred miles, we come to Denver, Colorado. For a few years I attended Mackintosh Academy. In the second grade, along with English, I studied French, Spanish, and Japanese. Out of all those language classes, I remember one word: Andrea. That was my girlfriend at the time, the one who left me for my best friend. I guess I remember two words, as I remember his name too, but his name is almost sacred, as a name that shall never be uttered.
Right after second grade ended my family moved to Jacksonville, Florida. It was Jacksonville that I would come to know as home, and would attend the rest of my schooling until college.
At this point I was a mediocre student. I believe I had a perfect 2.0 grade point average from third grade until I graduated from high school. My favorite classes were art, P.E., and lunch. Oh, is one of those not a class? No way—I believe art is still considered a class.
When not cracking jokes in class, I would be doing one of three things: drawing, passing notes, or sleeping. In high school I started to not only be mentally absent from class, but physically gone too. I’d skip class like a flat rock skips across a pond.
After high school, it was on to college. In all I have attended six colleges. I bounced around like a dodgeball on a trampoline. If you count the college classes I took starting my junior year of high school, then I got my four-year degree in nine years. And if you’re going to do something, you might as well do it at least twice as well as everybody else—or at least at least twice as long.
I graduated with an English degree from the University of Florida, but I took creative writing classes from both UF and Florida State University. All though college I fancied myself a fancy man, because I was an aspiring writer. Mostly I wrote t-shirt slogans and other pithy things. In the spring of 2005 I did manage to sell a line of t-shirts to Urban Outfitters.
That is my lone success in life. Seriously. Well, so far anyway. But my story is just beginning. I plan on failing my way to success. I have been rejected by literary agents, publishers, MFA programs, all sorts of women. But still I keep writing.
I have written many “books,” and I use the term books loosely. Mostly they are just compilations of my random thoughts and one-liners. But I like writing them, and people seem to like reading them. and that’s what it’s all about, right?
All my books are self-published, either through iUniverse or the wonderful Amazon Kindle program. I encourage everybody to write. Share yourself with the world. If there is one thing I like to impress upon people, it’s that you can do it, even if you can’t. Just keep can’ting until eventually you can. And you can quote me on that.
“How’s my mom? My mother’s well, like a painting—a Motherwell.”
“People who die in Detroit and then go to hell probably think they’re in heaven. I know, because I’ve been to Cleveland. ”
“Driving is better than walking, because hitting is better than being hit.”
“I’m growing an Abe Lincoln beard. On my ball sack.”
“She had no mind, but I didn’t mind, because she had a body like an upside down question mark.”
“I had a hot date last night. Things were going well so I took her back to her house, dropped her off, and went home to masturbate.”
“I’m wearing my political mustache today. If you want to see it, you’ll find it on the pubic region of a lobbyist.”
“I wonder what city Grover Cleveland is from. Probably Cincinnati.”
“I could jump in a small swimming pool or dive in the big ocean, and I’d be equally as wet. So it is with love. Somebody get me a towel.”
“It’s not that I don’t have the drive to succeed, but rather I don’t have the gas.”
“I asked possible witnesses about the invisible man shaped like a whisper, and nobody saw or heard anything. Which means he was there, and he is probably my father.”
“When we make love, I orgasm much sooner than her. That’s because I know a shortcut on my bicycle.”
“I try not to sell myself short, unless I’m giving myself a great price on the stuff.”
“Everyone owns a piece of democracy. Actually, I own two pieces, and each one has a nipple.”
“She told me she’d never forget me as long as she lived, and I got offended, because what, as soon as she dies I’m forgotten? Gee, thanks. I see how much I mean to her.”
“How many supermodels can you fit in a toothpick canister? I don’t know, but I prefer floss.”
“If you’re thinking about killing someone, don’t. Not don’t kill them, but don’t think about it—just do it already.”
“The government should either force the population to get healthy, or tax them for not complying. If the people still refuse to shape up, they should be imprisoned. Nothing is healthier for society than more government regulation.”
“I called the cops to see if I had a rap sheet. I do, and it rhymes.”
“Dogs are exceptionally intelligent creatures. My dog, for example, taught me that not only am I a cat person, but that it isn’t really a dog at all, but that it is in fact a cat.”
“To make my meal in a box taste better, I decided to tweak the logo, rather than the ingredients.”
“A door shaped like a vagina is more inviting. Sure, I’ll come in, but not slouched over. Allow me to straighten up before I enter.”
“I met two twins, each named Dakota. I nicknamed the older one North, and the younger one I called—you guessed it—Cock Tease.”
“If a woman says she got a bad haircut, and I agree with her, am I being agreeable, or an asshole?”
“Is a picture really worth a thousand words? What thousand words? A thousand words from a lunatic, or a thousand words from Nietzsche? Actually, Nietzsche was a lunatic, but you see my point. What about a thousand words from a rambler vs. 500 words from Mark Twain? He could say the same thing quicker and with more force than almost any other writer. One thousand words from Ginsberg are not even worth one from Wilde. It’s wild to declare the equivalency of any picture with any army of 1,000 words. Words from a writer like Wordsworth make you appreciate what words are worth.”
“I have seen the deadly effects of love first hand, and I have seen them with my second hand (the left one).”
“It’s not fun to pet cats when you’ve already poured gravy on them, and you’re holding silverware.”
“I want to win an award that doesn’t exist yet. Well, I want my clone to win it, and that’s almost the same thing—and he also doesn’t exist yet, so it’s perfect.”
“I’ll tug at your breasts like a thirsty child. Try not to burn your nipples in my hot coffee. While you’re at it, I also like sugar in my coffee.”
“When your action is gone, and all that’s left is motionlessness, I’ll be there, whistling.”
“I once saw a politician walking a dog, and I thought, “How absurd—an animal walking an animal.” Then I thought, “If given the choice, I’d rather vote for the dog.”
“You could empty the trash and my love for you still wouldn’t fit inside. But just because it won’t fit, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t empty the trash.”
“I just realized my lips are inside out. They should be turned inwards, because I spend most of my time talking to myself.”
“I once got stabbed with a lightning bolt. True story. (No it isn’t).”
“I want to go to Martha’s Vineyard. I have an aunt named Martha. And an uncle by that name. Neither one is related to me.”
“The six squares of our love didn’t add up to a cube. Still, I took the oddly-shaped box down to the post office and tried to mail it into the future, when I’d be more prepared to open it. ”
“I once watched several criminals engage in an organized argument, while an audience of supporters cheered them on, but I was so disgusted that I had to turn off the political debate.”
“Ninety minutes of pure naughty (limit 30 minutes per customer). *No clones or triplets allowed!”
“Strangled or stabbed, which you rather have for dessert?”
“Love is more powerful than any gun. Still, I’d recommend wearing a bulletproof vest.”
“I’m older now than my dad was when he was my age. Wait, that’s not right. That’s not my dad at all, that’s just some stranger hanging around in my memory. ”
“She says he says, but she could be lying to me, and he could be lying to her, so I can’t believe her, even if I could believe her.”
“Something can be humorous without being funny. The difference is when it’s humorous, a person says, “That’s funny,” and when it’s funny, a person can’t say anything because they’re too busy laughing.”
“My love may be invisible, but that doesn’t mean you can’t taste it. (It tastes like a sonic boom, only not as bitter).”
“I’d like to make the argument that The Cars were the first garage band.”
“Amy, she’s got a memory like an elephant, and a body like a meow.”
“I had a dream where I drank my own grandma. What she was doing disguised as a bottle of booze isn’t entirely clear to me.”
“If pens doubled as bullets, I bet few writers would want to write about war.”
“If my nipples lactated mustard, I’d wear a bra made out of two hamburger buns.”
“The shirt I have on today is the color of a banana, and tomorrow’s shirt will also be the color of a banana. Tomorrow’s shirt will be a slightly different color, but will in fact be the same shirt.”