Jarod Kintz
This is it, this is my biography. The story of Jarod Kintz begins now.
Let’s knock out the trivial first. I was born in Salt Lake City on March 5th. Now that you know my birthday, please feel free to get me birthday presents. Notice how I used the plural, presents? More than one gift would be greatly appreciated. Appropriate gifts include gold coins, bars of silver, and large tracts of land (preferably beachfront property). Or you could just buy me a drink—soda, natural, because I don’t drink either alcohol or high fructose corn syrup.
Skipping ahead a few years, and a few hundred miles, we come to Denver, Colorado. For a few years I attended Mackintosh Academy. In the second grade, along with English, I studied French, Spanish, and Japanese. Out of all those language classes, I remember one word: Andrea. That was my girlfriend at the time, the one who left me for my best friend. I guess I remember two words, as I remember his name too, but his name is almost sacred, as a name that shall never be uttered.
Right after second grade ended my family moved to Jacksonville, Florida. It was Jacksonville that I would come to know as home, and would attend the rest of my schooling until college.
At this point I was a mediocre student. I believe I had a perfect 2.0 grade point average from third grade until I graduated from high school. My favorite classes were art, P.E., and lunch. Oh, is one of those not a class? No way—I believe art is still considered a class.
When not cracking jokes in class, I would be doing one of three things: drawing, passing notes, or sleeping. In high school I started to not only be mentally absent from class, but physically gone too. I’d skip class like a flat rock skips across a pond.
After high school, it was on to college. In all I have attended six colleges. I bounced around like a dodgeball on a trampoline. If you count the college classes I took starting my junior year of high school, then I got my four-year degree in nine years. And if you’re going to do something, you might as well do it at least twice as well as everybody else—or at least at least twice as long.
I graduated with an English degree from the University of Florida, but I took creative writing classes from both UF and Florida State University. All though college I fancied myself a fancy man, because I was an aspiring writer. Mostly I wrote t-shirt slogans and other pithy things. In the spring of 2005 I did manage to sell a line of t-shirts to Urban Outfitters.
That is my lone success in life. Seriously. Well, so far anyway. But my story is just beginning. I plan on failing my way to success. I have been rejected by literary agents, publishers, MFA programs, all sorts of women. But still I keep writing.
I have written many “books,” and I use the term books loosely. Mostly they are just compilations of my random thoughts and one-liners. But I like writing them, and people seem to like reading them. and that’s what it’s all about, right?
All my books are self-published, either through iUniverse or the wonderful Amazon Kindle program. I encourage everybody to write. Share yourself with the world. If there is one thing I like to impress upon people, it’s that you can do it, even if you can’t. Just keep can’ting until eventually you can. And you can quote me on that.
“While I was there, the song reminded me of here. But now that I’m here, the song reminds me of there. But that’s neither here nor there.”
“Today I ate my manuscript with the very spoon I used to write it with. My book was called “Chicken Noodle Soup for the Stomach.” I wrote it with alphabet soup, and then edited it with a can of chicken noodle soup.”
“I’d rather fake my own fog, than fake a steamy love scene. Can I interest you in some mist? It’s homemade.”
“A lifestyle of deception is hard to keep up if your clones aren’t willing to participate.”
“I eat fog soup (out of a can). You don’t think I make it fresh, do you? You don’t need a spoon or straw to enjoy it—you need a pipe to inhale it.”
“As a way for both of us to make money, I’ll hold you hostage, while at the same time, you’ll be holding me hostage,” I said to Orafoura. “Won’t the ransom money you pay to me cancel out the money I’ll pay to you?” Orafoura said. “Not if I shoot you first. Then I’ll have all the ransom money!”
“I clench your love in my butt cheeks, along with all my hard-earned cash.”
“I am Cloud “Combat” McCloud. Fear my thunder! Love my chicken tenders.”
“And out came an insult with the velocity of a whisper. But I could see I offended, so I zipped up my pants and left the wedding reception.”
“Drive, guy. That green light isn’t going to get a deeper green. It’ll only ripen and turn yellow.”
“For the time being I’ll be a being in time. And when I die, I’ll happily be compost for a greener world.”
“If a clock represented a pie chart, then I just ate a slice of apple pie so large it represents 33 minutes. That means I’m three minutes late for dinner!”
“One word I’d use to describe space is lonely. The only way I’ll board a space shuttle is if I had a babysitter with me. You know, to watch the baby I’ll make with her. ”
“Are you smarter than my brain in a jar? Have a pickle while you ponder it.”
“My sheets are so white they look like Google’s homepage. They even have a touch of red on them, from that double homicide back in December.”
“I’ve got better things to think about than thoughtlessness.”
“Not only did I not join, but now I can’t quit. I’m a nonmember for life.”
“I’m glad I don’t have any foreskin, because at a nude beach I’d feel overdressed. (It’d be the only time I could feel overdressed by showing too much skin).”
“If you put a long-haired wig on and ask nicely, I might sit on your back and ride you like a horse. I believe that’s the only appropriate way to show you how much I love you.”
“When I turn thirty, in thirty days or so, I might be feeling old, so I’ll probably call my grandma up, because as old as I’ll feel, she’ll be feeling older. Twelve years older. ”
“And the next morning, after a night of passionate sex, I said those three little words I knew she’d been waiting to hear: woman, I’m hungry.”
“The proper response to “I love you” is never “what, when, where, why, and how,” no matter how sincerely you say it.”
“A meow’s a sound I want to look at. And after I see it, I want to pet it.”
“I didn’t have enough money to tip the waitress, so I offered to take her out on a date, provided she paid for dinner. And picked me up.”
“Five sicks people in the hospital (56). I made each one a “Get well soon” card saying I was sorry for coughing in their general direction on the 4th of November, and I hope that wasn’t a contributing factor for their illnesses.”
“Every night I cuddle with a blob of unbaked clay I fashioned in the shape of a woman. But that’s what being in love is all about.”
“Sit in a small chair. It’s easier to have people to look up to this way.”
“I heard you calling out to me, but I almost didn’t reply because you were using another guy’s name.”
“I’m bilingual, speaking English and body language. I prefer the latter, because I can speak it silently and without listening and while my back is turned.”
“The door of love is squeaky. Would you mind oiling it on your way out?”
“You wouldn’t try to mow your lawn with an electric razor, like it was a green beard, so why would you try to deny the existence of nonexistence? ”
“I make love like I make lasagna. Makes me hungry just thinking about it.”
“I want a trophy wife, because the only thing I’ve ever won is a fourth-place ribbon in the fourth grade. I’d treat her well, and I wouldn’t let her get too dusty on the shelf.”
“I want to meet a woman named Sherry who only drinks brandy, and a woman named Brandy who only drinks sherry. Then I’ll offer each one of them one magical night of sex with me, in the form of two of my clones.”
“I put a saddle on my salad, and I rode my horseradish to Rhode Island, where I was just in time to be late. I think I left my time zone change in my Arizona iced tea, so all I have to offer you to drink is water that’s been redirected from the Colorado River through a series of pipes and political litigation.”
“In the Tunnel of Desire, past the Tube of Destiny, lies the Turtle of Doubt. We all have to face that turtle, but only the confident ones ever find out that doubt tastes like chicken.”
“I’ve come a long way in the last year. 365 days, to be exact.”
“Love should be unconditional, while hair should be conditioned. Air should also be conditioned, and worn in place of hairnets.”
“Respect is something that should be earned, like eyebrows shaped like windshield wipers in a stormy arcade evening. I like my respect with lots of elbow room and melted cheese on top.”
“Am I the only guy that holds a flute of champagne like it’s a musical instrument?”
“I hid a flower in a garden. I also hid a body there.”
“When someone tells me they don’t read, I like to walk up to them and stroke their hair, pet it really, because you know who also doesn’t read? My cat. In essence, these people are pitiful, and no better than pets.”
“I went to school to be a comedian. I was always cracking jokes in class. And after they were cracked, the teacher would try to put them back together.”
“Death—I’m a nonmember for life.”
“No, lady, you didn’t have sex with me, you had sex with my clone. I’m sorry, but I don’t know you.”
“For your birthday I’ll give you 100 copies of your least favorite author’s book, and they’ll all be autographed. Now, should I sign the cover, or the inside flap?”
“I made myself an “I Love Jennifer” jacket out of my old “I Love Jenn” jacket. Two girls, one continuous love. The I Love Jennifer is a little off-center, but then so am I. Better than being self-centered, as my clone would probably say.”
“I like the name Lola, because it has LOL in the beginning.”
“I’m the most expensive person in my life. Every day I pay for the poor decisions of my past.”
“I am an octopus on four wheels. What are my four free arms for? To better love you, of course.”