“Rage is a big part of courage. So is cou.”

“My asshole smells like a bookstore. So, are you a big reader?”

“A brick could have been used as a father figure in place of my dad when I was growing up, because a brick may be dumb, but at least it isn’t dumb and interfering in its absence. By not being a part of my life, my dad became a big part of my life, because my thoughts were influenced by his image and infused with fantasy as I attempted to alter the reality that he wanted little to do with me. And what else would you call not wanting to be a part of your son’s life but dumb? So this Father’s Day, I’m drinking to the dad I never had—a brick. 
”

“My penis isn’t big. It just appeared that way because the midget’s hands were so small.”

“I want to get the words "Courage" and "Bravery" tattooed across my back, so people could associate me with those things as they read them while they chase me.”

“I could jump in a small swimming pool or dive in the big ocean, and I’d be equally as wet. So it is with love. Somebody get me a towel.”

“Courage is a vitamin best swallowed with whiskey.”