“Respect is something that should be earned, like eyebrows shaped like windshield wipers in a stormy arcade evening. I like my respect with lots of elbow room and melted cheese on top.”

“I respect my elders, but I don’t respect the Myelders, who are my neighbors, because they are so neglectful of their lawn that it’s like they don’t even exist.”

“My love is a flower shaped like a snowflake. It won’t melt, so perhaps ice cream should be made out of it.”

“A car is a couch with wheels. My windshield wipers don’t work, so I’ve decided to stop watering my living room carpet. Honk if you want coffee, and I’ll pour you an umbrellaful.”

“I’d never own a Hooters, because while I may be the face of the franchise, people only ever look at the breasts. Makes me feel like a piece of meat—medium rare, with melted cheese on top.”

“I object to that object that’s made of bronze and shaped like my clone. It should be made of gold, and shaped like me.”

“I got my windshield replaced for no apparent reason. So now I have a new windshield that looks exactly like my old one, only cleaner.”