“With my big 80s hair, my cut off jean shorts, and my roller skates, I’m going to look sexy on my way to work in the snow this winter. And I just got sled dogs, though I plan on pulling them without putting them on the sled first.”

“I moved my hand in and out of the shadow and pondered life and death. Then I put on my lipstick, pulled up my pants, and got back to work.”

“I’m going to Australia. But first I’ve got to put on my swimming suit and stretch.”

“Eating a plain bagel with no cream cheese is like eating the inner tube of a bicycle tire, and I’d rather ride my roller skates to work.”

“I plan on putting off death my whole life.”

“I don’t just have one mustache, I have two. You can hardly notice them, though, because I wear them in place of my eyebrows, which I shaved off and donated to charity. I’m just a generous, kind-hearted guy, I guess.”

“Every morning I cheer on my Cheerios, but I don’t really want them to win. Secretly I’m trying to drown them and eat them—just like I tried to do to my teammates in my tenure on my high school swim team.”