Jarod Kintz
This is it, this is my biography. The story of Jarod Kintz begins now.
Let’s knock out the trivial first. I was born in Salt Lake City on March 5th. Now that you know my birthday, please feel free to get me birthday presents. Notice how I used the plural, presents? More than one gift would be greatly appreciated. Appropriate gifts include gold coins, bars of silver, and large tracts of land (preferably beachfront property). Or you could just buy me a drink—soda, natural, because I don’t drink either alcohol or high fructose corn syrup.
Skipping ahead a few years, and a few hundred miles, we come to Denver, Colorado. For a few years I attended Mackintosh Academy. In the second grade, along with English, I studied French, Spanish, and Japanese. Out of all those language classes, I remember one word: Andrea. That was my girlfriend at the time, the one who left me for my best friend. I guess I remember two words, as I remember his name too, but his name is almost sacred, as a name that shall never be uttered.
Right after second grade ended my family moved to Jacksonville, Florida. It was Jacksonville that I would come to know as home, and would attend the rest of my schooling until college.
At this point I was a mediocre student. I believe I had a perfect 2.0 grade point average from third grade until I graduated from high school. My favorite classes were art, P.E., and lunch. Oh, is one of those not a class? No way—I believe art is still considered a class.
When not cracking jokes in class, I would be doing one of three things: drawing, passing notes, or sleeping. In high school I started to not only be mentally absent from class, but physically gone too. I’d skip class like a flat rock skips across a pond.
After high school, it was on to college. In all I have attended six colleges. I bounced around like a dodgeball on a trampoline. If you count the college classes I took starting my junior year of high school, then I got my four-year degree in nine years. And if you’re going to do something, you might as well do it at least twice as well as everybody else—or at least at least twice as long.
I graduated with an English degree from the University of Florida, but I took creative writing classes from both UF and Florida State University. All though college I fancied myself a fancy man, because I was an aspiring writer. Mostly I wrote t-shirt slogans and other pithy things. In the spring of 2005 I did manage to sell a line of t-shirts to Urban Outfitters.
That is my lone success in life. Seriously. Well, so far anyway. But my story is just beginning. I plan on failing my way to success. I have been rejected by literary agents, publishers, MFA programs, all sorts of women. But still I keep writing.
I have written many “books,” and I use the term books loosely. Mostly they are just compilations of my random thoughts and one-liners. But I like writing them, and people seem to like reading them. and that’s what it’s all about, right?
All my books are self-published, either through iUniverse or the wonderful Amazon Kindle program. I encourage everybody to write. Share yourself with the world. If there is one thing I like to impress upon people, it’s that you can do it, even if you can’t. Just keep can’ting until eventually you can. And you can quote me on that.
“I laughed so hard I nearly spit out my hot tea. The strange part was the fact that I was drinking coffee at that moment.”
“I’m not going to catch any fish in the forest using a steak knife as bait. Still, I’ve got to try.”
“I want to share my thoughts with you. Press your forehead firmly against mine, and let my mind transfer to yours. You won’t receive love, because that’s a feeling, and best communicated with a kiss.”
“After a good run, my legs feel like Jell-O. Somebody get me a spoon and stick a fork in me.”
“I need your compliments to feed my ego, because it’s bored of mac and cheese. And honestly, so am I.”
“A writer must be a lifelong reader to be good. And if you want to be a great writer, I’d suggest trying to live a long life by reading the ingredients of the foods you buy.”
“The way the crotch of my jeans are constructed makes it look like I have an erection when I don’t. That’s why I wear Spandex—so the whole world can see exactly when I’m stiff.”
“I put a basketball hoop in the trees, to help the squirrels and give them a nice net to store their nuts for the winter. But that’s just the kind of thoughtful guy I am.”
“Love is like a buffalo with butterfly wings, and I’m just the humble man in the jetpack trying to shoot it down with a bow and arrow. ”
“He died a suspicious death. But only because he was a politician, and everything he did was suspicious.”
“The chain of command, I wear it around my neck.”
“I gathered all my eggs in one basket, because I believe in collectivism, and I wanted a tyrannical omelet.”
“Dear cat, your ears are flipped inside out, so I know you’re not listening to a word I’m not saying.”
“Mustaches are not only fashion statements, but they’re useful for tickling vaginas.”
“Yes, life could be better. But it could also be worse. Don’t believe me? Allow me introduce you to my mother-in-law.”
“I floated like driftwood in the ocean. I wasn’t worried about sharks, because my bathtub is much too shallow.”
“The past—I’m looking forward to it.”
“Necessity is the mother of invention. She’s also my mother, though Invention and I have different dads.”
“Don’t let your inability to see get in the way of your vision.”
“18 rules for not getting caught. 1-17: don’t tell anybody. #18: not even your clone.”
“I don’t deceive myself. No, I get my clones to do it for me.”
“When thinking about yesterday, contrasted with today, I can’t help but observe that today by definition means I’m one day closer to death. I just hope that one day isn’t tomorrow.”
“Death is the only equality guaranteed in life. A poor man will die just as surely as a rich man.”
“The wind held the door open for me, and I appreciated it. Who knew the breeze was such a southern gentleman?”
“I make conversation like I make love to myself—I let my hands do all the talking.”
“Why send roses? Wouldn’t it be more romantic to deliver a dozen orgasms? For only $19.95, I’ll deliver them to your woman any day of the year. But be sure to book early for Valentine’s Day.”
“The most environmentally friendly last name is Green.”
“I collect collectivisms. I’ve already got socialism and communism, and all I need is fascism to complete the set. I’m looking to trade my dusty democracy, but Uncle Sam isn’t interested in a deal at this time. ”
“The best part about vomiting is that right after you do, you can continue eating.”
“I like cup holders—in cars, as well as in jockstraps.”
“Helping others without anticipating or expecting others to help you in return, that is the path to spiritual prosperity.”
“He’s pale, bald, and bony. He looks like a skeleton. And that, my friend, is precisely why I keep him in my closet.”
“In all four years of high school, not once did I make the football team. The other part of the story is that I never even tried out. Just raw talent, I guess.”
“I left Mermaid’s Bar and Grill about 2:00 am, and fishtailed out of the parking lot.”
“I’m half naked. The question is not, Am I getting dressed or undressed? the question is, Am I a half-noble savage, or a half-ignoble savage?”
“I need camouflage that works in such a way that when I wear it, you disappear.”
“I’m a smart cookie. Chocolate chip.”
“It’s not you, it’s me.” This line could signify rejection, or it could be something I say in the future, when I’m talking to one of my clones about another one of my clones.”
“America’s problem, in a word, is politicians. In two words, it’s politicians and lobbyists. In three words, it’s politicians, lobbyists, and lawyers. And finally, in four words, it’s politicians, lobbyists, lawyers, and bankers.”
“If you listen to the rain long enough, you’ll eventually soak up the wisdom.”
“Gin is a confusing drink. It’s the only liquid that’s both wet and dry.”
“I don’t like the term “Average Joe.” I prefer “Dolly,” because not only is the Everyman a sheep, but he’s also a clone. They all think alike and act alike.”
“He was a vegetable, so trying to change his mind was fruitless.”
“Love is as iffy as Kipling.”
“I run a tight ship. It’s so tight, you could call it a canoe.”
“Not only will my kids be out to replace me, but so will all my clones. Makes me feel so disposable, like a plastic spoon.”
“Control your temper, or it will control you. Sometimes even remotely, like a toy car. Christmas is coming up, and for only $44.44 I’ll sell you a gift that would be perfect for the child in your life.”
“My love disappeared, along with the evidence of her dead body.”
“I want to meddle with an Olympic medal made of silver metal. I want to alchemize it into gold, and use a mixture of science and mysticism to transform losing into winning.”
“I like to fantasize about how far I’ll have come in a year. A year from now, I’ll be 12 months further than where I am today. And the most impressive part is I don’t really have to work hard for it. I just have to keep waking up.”