Jarod Kintz
This is it, this is my biography. The story of Jarod Kintz begins now.
Let’s knock out the trivial first. I was born in Salt Lake City on March 5th. Now that you know my birthday, please feel free to get me birthday presents. Notice how I used the plural, presents? More than one gift would be greatly appreciated. Appropriate gifts include gold coins, bars of silver, and large tracts of land (preferably beachfront property). Or you could just buy me a drink—soda, natural, because I don’t drink either alcohol or high fructose corn syrup.
Skipping ahead a few years, and a few hundred miles, we come to Denver, Colorado. For a few years I attended Mackintosh Academy. In the second grade, along with English, I studied French, Spanish, and Japanese. Out of all those language classes, I remember one word: Andrea. That was my girlfriend at the time, the one who left me for my best friend. I guess I remember two words, as I remember his name too, but his name is almost sacred, as a name that shall never be uttered.
Right after second grade ended my family moved to Jacksonville, Florida. It was Jacksonville that I would come to know as home, and would attend the rest of my schooling until college.
At this point I was a mediocre student. I believe I had a perfect 2.0 grade point average from third grade until I graduated from high school. My favorite classes were art, P.E., and lunch. Oh, is one of those not a class? No way—I believe art is still considered a class.
When not cracking jokes in class, I would be doing one of three things: drawing, passing notes, or sleeping. In high school I started to not only be mentally absent from class, but physically gone too. I’d skip class like a flat rock skips across a pond.
After high school, it was on to college. In all I have attended six colleges. I bounced around like a dodgeball on a trampoline. If you count the college classes I took starting my junior year of high school, then I got my four-year degree in nine years. And if you’re going to do something, you might as well do it at least twice as well as everybody else—or at least at least twice as long.
I graduated with an English degree from the University of Florida, but I took creative writing classes from both UF and Florida State University. All though college I fancied myself a fancy man, because I was an aspiring writer. Mostly I wrote t-shirt slogans and other pithy things. In the spring of 2005 I did manage to sell a line of t-shirts to Urban Outfitters.
That is my lone success in life. Seriously. Well, so far anyway. But my story is just beginning. I plan on failing my way to success. I have been rejected by literary agents, publishers, MFA programs, all sorts of women. But still I keep writing.
I have written many “books,” and I use the term books loosely. Mostly they are just compilations of my random thoughts and one-liners. But I like writing them, and people seem to like reading them. and that’s what it’s all about, right?
All my books are self-published, either through iUniverse or the wonderful Amazon Kindle program. I encourage everybody to write. Share yourself with the world. If there is one thing I like to impress upon people, it’s that you can do it, even if you can’t. Just keep can’ting until eventually you can. And you can quote me on that.
“I made love with a cute woman yesterday. I would have made love with a gorgeous woman, but she was more expensive.”
“Yes, ma’am, I will take seconds. Your dinner tastes like excrement. I scream, you scream, we all scream for excrement.”
“With that shirt you have on, you remind me of what you look like with no shirt on.”
“It is with great sadness that I blow my nose.”
“Armadillo? I’d rather arm civilians.”
“It’s better to say something too little, than nothing too much.”
“I am the now of the then. My body is the embodiment of all my ancestors who came before me. They live on in me.”
“If I were to show you pictures of my best friends, they’d all be cats.”
“Being in the womb was like taking a nine-month bath. I wanted to take a shower, but no matter how hard I kicked, or how loud I screamed, my mom wouldn’t listen.”
“Since pigs are anatomically similar to humans, dissecting one must be like cutting up a midget. And I haven’t done that since middle school.”
“Pigs might make great pets, but they make better breakfast. I’ll take one big snuggle, with a side of scrambled eggs.”
“I like watching water drops drip off my eyelashes. Reminds me that I’m not the Desert of Love.”
“I have a responsibility as a human being to care for animals—including politicians.”
“If I could change any one thing about me, I’d change you.”
“The question is not how much work are you willing to put in, but what are you willing to take out? Success is sacrifice.”
“He seemed to swallow the lie I fed him. I hope he’s not still hungry. If he is, I’ll give him the illusory dessert known as the American Dream.”
“I want a Snuggle Sandwich—hold the pickle. Make it a combo and upsize it.”
“After a long day of screaming at the trees, I smell like a skyscraper. Would you care to ride on my elevator shaft?”
“I’m exercising my right to free speech, because it used to be obese. For years all it did was sit on the sofa watching TV.”
“I’m an artist. I’m a cave painter. Archaeologists and art critics of the future are going to call me a genius. They’re going to say I was so far ahead of my time that I was way behind my time.”
“I’m too horny tonight to be productive. Right now the only thing I could make is love. And then I wouldn’t be productive, I’d be reproductive.”
“I can do a week in a weekend. That’s not how efficient I am, that’s how little I work.”
“The only thing better than word of mouth is words of mouth. Give me at least two words.”
“When I’m tired, I say, “I’m calling it a night.” Well, what else am I going to call it? Nathan?”
“I can see myself in my teacher’s eyes. I look like a pupil.”
“The only time I’ll eat Italian wedding soup is if I’m wearing a tuxedo and eating with a priest.”
“I am a forward thinker with nostalgia. I dream of the past, and daydream of the future.”
“My motto: I’ll do it today, or tomorrow, or the next day, or not.”
“Governments are too stupid to understand that too much red tape does not bind a nation together—it tears it apart.”
“Work hard or don’t work hard, either way your hair will turn gray. I should let you be alone while you die, slowly.”
“Rhode Island knows, but is Del aware?”
“My name is Meow. At least that’s what my cat calls me. But you can call me after nine.”
“The water trapped in my window makes it like an aquarium—which makes me the fish.”
“Just by looking at a picture, I can tell a lot about a person. Right off the bat, I can tell if they’re a human or a bat. Or Batman.”
“I’m angry as hell. I’m angry for all the people who should be angry but aren’t, either because they’re too stupid or too timid.”
“Politicians think the only way out of a hole is to keep digging.”
“Trying to put a baby back in the womb is like trying to convert a butterfly into a caterpillar, but still I’ve got to try. That’s what being in love is all about.”
“You’ll know the economy is dead when industry stops and escalators turn into stairs. That’ll be the day slinkies take over the world.”
“I can provide a witness who didn’t see me at the scene of the crime. That witness can also prove they didn’t see me anywhere else either, thus showing that I didn’t exist at that moment in time.”
“A figure 8 doesn’t figure into my plans to live to infinity.”
“I’m going to go up on my way down. I’m just a sideways sort of person.”
“You should plan ahead, so people know roughly where to start digging to look for you.”
“Backing yourself into a corner is a terrible strategy, in that it leaves you nowhere to run. But it’s brilliant in that it brings out the fierce in you, because you are forced to fight. ”
“When bananas blush, they turn brown, not red. And when tomatoes blush, you’ve probably said something really naughty.”
“I just made some yawn pudding. Can I feed you some before bed?”
“I suggested to her that she start writing. "I can't write at all," she said. "Neither can many bestsellers," I replied. "But that pesky detail didn't stop them.”
“To be gentle you have to be patient.”
“I’m older today than yesterday, and therefore I must be more mature.”
“In a victory speech, I like to thank the opposition, because without their help, I couldn’t have won.”
“Eat a donut in the face, not its asshole.”