Jarod Kintz
This is it, this is my biography. The story of Jarod Kintz begins now.
Let’s knock out the trivial first. I was born in Salt Lake City on March 5th. Now that you know my birthday, please feel free to get me birthday presents. Notice how I used the plural, presents? More than one gift would be greatly appreciated. Appropriate gifts include gold coins, bars of silver, and large tracts of land (preferably beachfront property). Or you could just buy me a drink—soda, natural, because I don’t drink either alcohol or high fructose corn syrup.
Skipping ahead a few years, and a few hundred miles, we come to Denver, Colorado. For a few years I attended Mackintosh Academy. In the second grade, along with English, I studied French, Spanish, and Japanese. Out of all those language classes, I remember one word: Andrea. That was my girlfriend at the time, the one who left me for my best friend. I guess I remember two words, as I remember his name too, but his name is almost sacred, as a name that shall never be uttered.
Right after second grade ended my family moved to Jacksonville, Florida. It was Jacksonville that I would come to know as home, and would attend the rest of my schooling until college.
At this point I was a mediocre student. I believe I had a perfect 2.0 grade point average from third grade until I graduated from high school. My favorite classes were art, P.E., and lunch. Oh, is one of those not a class? No way—I believe art is still considered a class.
When not cracking jokes in class, I would be doing one of three things: drawing, passing notes, or sleeping. In high school I started to not only be mentally absent from class, but physically gone too. I’d skip class like a flat rock skips across a pond.
After high school, it was on to college. In all I have attended six colleges. I bounced around like a dodgeball on a trampoline. If you count the college classes I took starting my junior year of high school, then I got my four-year degree in nine years. And if you’re going to do something, you might as well do it at least twice as well as everybody else—or at least at least twice as long.
I graduated with an English degree from the University of Florida, but I took creative writing classes from both UF and Florida State University. All though college I fancied myself a fancy man, because I was an aspiring writer. Mostly I wrote t-shirt slogans and other pithy things. In the spring of 2005 I did manage to sell a line of t-shirts to Urban Outfitters.
That is my lone success in life. Seriously. Well, so far anyway. But my story is just beginning. I plan on failing my way to success. I have been rejected by literary agents, publishers, MFA programs, all sorts of women. But still I keep writing.
I have written many “books,” and I use the term books loosely. Mostly they are just compilations of my random thoughts and one-liners. But I like writing them, and people seem to like reading them. and that’s what it’s all about, right?
All my books are self-published, either through iUniverse or the wonderful Amazon Kindle program. I encourage everybody to write. Share yourself with the world. If there is one thing I like to impress upon people, it’s that you can do it, even if you can’t. Just keep can’ting until eventually you can. And you can quote me on that.
“The event happened on my birthday. I don’t remember the date, I only know it was my birthday because there was no cake or presents.”
“I have so much love that it could stretch around the world’s largest dick. But so what? Bernanke’s belt does that every day.”
“I think a great book title would be “Ida Says ‘I do’ in Idaho.” It would be about a divorce in Washington State, and the protagonist would be a woman, though I’m not sure what her name should be.”
“The early morning is too strong to drink straight, so I need to mix in a little coffee to be able to hold it down.”
“Right at the edge is where you’ll find me. The edge of the middle.”
“A woman in a box—a great gift for the husband who has everything.”
“I need to dig a hole the size of the Grand Canyon to bury all of my problems.”
“One of the most productive ways a government can spend money on the people is by building more prisons. That’s what makes the US so great. That’s what freedom is all about. ”
“I want to import what’s important, and export the trivial out of my life.”
“The first door in the hall leads to youth, the second door leads to middle age, and the third door leads to the bathroom. But knock first, because I think grandpa’s in there.”
“If you were to stack up all the stupid things I’ve done, you couldn’t clean them with a thousand dishwashers.”
“The two lovers were inseparable. Well, I guess death could split them up. So could Ryan Gosling, because she has a thing for him. So does he, matter of fact.”
“It’s what’s inside that matters. I’m confused inside, because I just ate some sweet and sour.”
“It’s not a joke if it’s not entirely clear. But most jokes play off of ambiguity and sudden juxtaposition, so a joke has to be clearly unclear.”
“If there are two clones, one good and one evil, I can’t kill on sight alone. It’s the same with love. Some love hurts, and some love elevates, but as to which one is which, they are two sides to the same sandwich. ”
“I want to be the boss, and have my name embossed on the corner office door.”
“Standing in cat litter is not the same as walking on the beach. Trust me, you can’t pee on the beach.”
“I’m so excited and lonely all at once. Just once. Not twice, because that’d be a couple, and couple’s can’t be lonely. ”
“Then he cocked his head to the side, arched his left eyebrow like a drawbridge, and said, “I am you in the future.” The only thing sillier than a clone, is a dream clone.”
“A volt is a measure of power, and the same can be said when people revolt.”
“With my career I want to either make something or make an impact. Writers both make something, and make an impact.”
“Where there’s a winner, there’s a loser, and always at the same time. Occasionally even in the same person.”
“I’ll let you see the door is open, so you know I’m open to the idea that you can leave anytime you want. So long as you are able to pick the lock on your handcuffs while you are blindfolded. ”
“One thought I think every person eventually thinks is, “Holy shit, I’m going to die!” Sorry, I just turned thirty yesterday, so my mortality is on my mind. ”
“I have a beard of grass. I grew it on my back, and sometimes my neighbor mows it for me. Meow!”
“All I know is I don’t know if I know, and this everlasting oscillation shakes my belief system.”
“Dear Miss Hummingbird, The leaves are turning green now, but not with envy. But they should be envious, because I, Jarod Ora Kintz, son of a thousand question marks, now have what every unemployed American most covets: a cat. Oh, and I’ve also got a new job. Almost forgot to mention it.“What will you be doing?” you may be wondering, and “Is it legal?” Those answers, as you can imagine, are gray. But so are elephants. Gray, I mean. Elephants are gray, not illegal, even though a certain political party in this country that’s represented by an elephant mascot certainly does things that to the normal citizen would be considered illegal. But I digress. Turns out that right under “Mayor of Orafouraville” on my resume, I can now add “Concierge at the Five-Star Hotel.” Concierge is just a fancy term that means something similar in Latin, I’m sure. My job will be to arrange activities for hotel guests for everything from opera tickets to dinner reservations to even organizing the burial of a loved one—though not if the disposal of the body is to be kept secret because a murder has occurred. Murder is such a ghastly (and ghostly) way to spoil dinner reservations for two, wouldn’t you agree? Or, rather, wouldn’t you not disagree? This job will allow me to meet interesting people from all over the planet, and possibly even other planets (like Pluto, if that’s still even a planet). It’s a full-time job, at least part of the time (40 hours per week out of a possible 168 hours). I’ll be expected to wear a shirt and tie. And, of course, pants—but that goes without saying. What also goes without saying are guests, but I hope some at least say goodbye before they go. ”
“When someone looks at something they don’t understand and they say, “That could be a good thing, or that could be a bad thing,” they’re just highlighting the fact that they have no clue what they are talking about. Everything in the universe, besides God, could be a good or bad thing.”
“Would it make you more comfortable if I wore a condom while I shook your hand? I could wear it on my penis, or stretch it over my hand. I don’t know these things. I’m new to politics.”
“Sleep: to see and do, and do nothing.”
“They settled out of court. In related news, two fish fought over an aquarium, rather than in the aquarium.”
“I don’t just have one mustache, I have two. You can hardly notice them, though, because I wear them in place of my eyebrows, which I shaved off and donated to charity. I’m just a generous, kind-hearted guy, I guess.”
“He’s being silent again. Tell him to be quiet.”
“The cool thing about unemployment is every day is Saturday.”
“He was just a kid. He didn’t care. He was like, “I’m getting in my mom’s van and I’m going home.” I was just a kid, too. But I cared. With him gone, who was I going to play Plato and Socrates with? ”
“I drive by the spot of my injury, because each time I do, the pain lessens, and it teaches me a lesson.”
“I like how volcanoes rumble before they erupt, as if to say, Get the hell off me.”
“-Do you see that? -Yeah, what is it? -That’s the truth. -How can you tell it’s the truth? -Because it’s ugly.”
“For just over my price range, I can get something way under my quality expectation level. Thanks, inflation!”
“I notice your absence. I notice your non presence and reflect on the time you were present, in the present, which is obviously in the past.”
“I’ve got a flesh-colored tattoo. I drew it myself. You should see it sometime, if only you could see it (it’s invisible).”
“Coaching 101: First you build the team, and then you build the torture chamber for underperformers.”
“Renaldina told Renaldo and Renaldo told me, so that’s two points for possible miscommunication, especially when you consider that she’s deaf and he’s blind, so it went through two language variations and two incompatible methods of travel, like mule to submarine.”
“I can taste one sugar crystal, just like I can feel one Cupid (the metric unit of measurement for love).”
“I like to get to-go boxes at restaurants where not only did I not eat in, but apparently their patrons didn’t either, judging by how much food they left on their plates.”
“It’s 3:32, and I need just one more ingredient to finish baking 3:33. Would you prefer the AM or the PM piece?”
“It’s easier to win an argument over a dinner you’re paying for.”
“I’m a combat specialist and marriage counselor.”
“If you want to bend your mind, don’t use a crowbar.”
“Don’t leave me with her. What if her car breaks down, she’s a killer, or she brushes her teeth with mayonnaise?”