Jarod Kintz
This is it, this is my biography. The story of Jarod Kintz begins now.
Let’s knock out the trivial first. I was born in Salt Lake City on March 5th. Now that you know my birthday, please feel free to get me birthday presents. Notice how I used the plural, presents? More than one gift would be greatly appreciated. Appropriate gifts include gold coins, bars of silver, and large tracts of land (preferably beachfront property). Or you could just buy me a drink—soda, natural, because I don’t drink either alcohol or high fructose corn syrup.
Skipping ahead a few years, and a few hundred miles, we come to Denver, Colorado. For a few years I attended Mackintosh Academy. In the second grade, along with English, I studied French, Spanish, and Japanese. Out of all those language classes, I remember one word: Andrea. That was my girlfriend at the time, the one who left me for my best friend. I guess I remember two words, as I remember his name too, but his name is almost sacred, as a name that shall never be uttered.
Right after second grade ended my family moved to Jacksonville, Florida. It was Jacksonville that I would come to know as home, and would attend the rest of my schooling until college.
At this point I was a mediocre student. I believe I had a perfect 2.0 grade point average from third grade until I graduated from high school. My favorite classes were art, P.E., and lunch. Oh, is one of those not a class? No way—I believe art is still considered a class.
When not cracking jokes in class, I would be doing one of three things: drawing, passing notes, or sleeping. In high school I started to not only be mentally absent from class, but physically gone too. I’d skip class like a flat rock skips across a pond.
After high school, it was on to college. In all I have attended six colleges. I bounced around like a dodgeball on a trampoline. If you count the college classes I took starting my junior year of high school, then I got my four-year degree in nine years. And if you’re going to do something, you might as well do it at least twice as well as everybody else—or at least at least twice as long.
I graduated with an English degree from the University of Florida, but I took creative writing classes from both UF and Florida State University. All though college I fancied myself a fancy man, because I was an aspiring writer. Mostly I wrote t-shirt slogans and other pithy things. In the spring of 2005 I did manage to sell a line of t-shirts to Urban Outfitters.
That is my lone success in life. Seriously. Well, so far anyway. But my story is just beginning. I plan on failing my way to success. I have been rejected by literary agents, publishers, MFA programs, all sorts of women. But still I keep writing.
I have written many “books,” and I use the term books loosely. Mostly they are just compilations of my random thoughts and one-liners. But I like writing them, and people seem to like reading them. and that’s what it’s all about, right?
All my books are self-published, either through iUniverse or the wonderful Amazon Kindle program. I encourage everybody to write. Share yourself with the world. If there is one thing I like to impress upon people, it’s that you can do it, even if you can’t. Just keep can’ting until eventually you can. And you can quote me on that.
“I like my spaghetti like I like my women. All over my shirt.”
“People always say I have hands as large as the Roman Empire. I guess it just goes with the territory. Romance, it’s all in the gloves.”
“If somebody wanted me dead, I’d try to convince them to wait 25 years, for technology to arrive, so they can go kill my clone. It’s a win-win for me and them, but not for my other me.”
“I respect a man not for the clothes he wears, but for the clothes he doesn’t wear. Yes, nudity is an admirable thing indeed.”
“I am a juxtaposition. And at the same time, I’m not. I’m always like this because I’m not always like this because I’m always in love.”
“I love conducting double blind experiments with unsuspecting peeping Toms.”
“The best time to complain is right after you’ve come up with a solution to the problem. Pose the questions, present the answers, and then pose nude while the people make statues out of you in veneration.”
“I think trees should bloom earlier in the spring. They act like they are on a schedule. It’s not like they have anywhere to go.”
“Some people believe that people are essentially evil. Others believe people are essentially good. I believe they are somewhere in the middle, like Denver.”
“The best thing my grandpa ever said to me was, “Gladys, bring me some more damn soup.” Well, maybe he wasn’t talking to me, but it was still good to hear he was a romantic.”
“I like saying things that are both repetitive and repetitive. But I never repeat an I love you. I repeat: I never repeat an I love you.”
“I have three step brothers and one step sister. It’s like a staircase, and I am the slinky.”
“Working in the hotel business I have learned a lot about people. It’s amazing what you can discover about someone by watching them when they don’t know you are watching, especially if they are asleep.”
“If you were to ask me if I have ever loved a woman, I'd probably reply, "Two gallons of milk and a midget.”
“I always say “I couldn’t agree more,” even if I wholeheartedly disagree, because whether I completely agree or completely disagree, I couldn’t agree more.”
“I need to work smarter, harder, faster, and longer than you. And if I still don't come out in front, then simply changing directions will correct that.”
“Cats are like mushrooms, only you'll rarely ever hear me scream, "Get off my pizza!" to a pack of mushrooms.”
“I heard God in the silence. I recognized his voice precisely because it was inaudible.”
“I won't read a book whose pages have been dog-eared, because I'm more of a cat person.”
“When I see a beautiful woman, my heart doesn't go "Thump, thump." It goes "Hush, hush." I'm very secretive about my feelings.”
“I'm not famous, but some people know me by name. Other people know me by number. That number is four.”
“If I were the color blue, and you were the color orange, I wouldn't want you around all the time, because who wants to be constantly complimented?”
“Too many men have died in the name of old age. I know, because my grandmother was one of them.”
“I think astronaut's helmets need to have Viking horns affixed to the side, to let any aliens we might encounter know that we came to pillage and probe.”
“I'm the oldest of twelve brothers. However, the other eleven are yet to be born.”
“You've got to get up pretty early in the morning to beat me to my rooster costume.”
“A Yes-man is always a somebody. Only a No-man is a nobody.”
“I don't like musty smells. I much prefer less definitive fragrances, like the scent of maybe.”
“When I was a kid, I was just a boy. But that all changed by my 18th birthday. No longer a kid, I was a full-fledged goat.”
“The wisest thing my grandpa ever said to me before he died was "Stop!" Thinking back, I don't know if he was talking to me or the car that ran him over. I prefer to think he was talking to the car, because how could he be so foolish to try to talk to me, when I was busy driving the car.”
“I wrote a song called "Stinky Sodomite." It isn't a pop song, a historical song, or a song condemning homosexuality. Rather, it is a children's song that teaches them how to count. In fact, the only time the words "Stinky Sodomite" appear in the song is in the title. Other tracks on the educational CD include "The Ratio of Fellatio," "Thomas Jefferson's Johnson," and "It's Never Too Early to Ask Your Father About His First Erection.”
“I am illiterate. Just not in English.”
“While I've never read Scientific American, I'll bet it is pretty scientific. And American. Just like those prehistoric cave drawings in the south of France.”
“Three Guys and a Goat is not a good name for a bed and breakfast. I know, because my two partners overruled my name suggestion.”
“I want to head up a committee to discuss how to properly head up committees. Our committee will sit at a round table and talk in circles all day long.”
“If the word "committee" were an acronym, the two "T"s would stand for time travel. How else can a group waste so much time unless they feel they can always go back and retrieve it?”
“The best part about having children is being able to point at them and proudly proclaim, "Hey, I made those.”
“I don't think any man could solve the world's problems overnight, myself included. You'd better give me at least two days.”
“If my name were Nubby Blues, I wouldn't be a jazz musician, I'd be a disabled Vietnam vet on welfare.”
“English is the most dominant language in the world philosophically, culturally, and Jarod Kintzically.”
“Too many people talk about the weather, and not enough people talk about agriculture. When somebody says to me, "Beautiful weather we're having,” I always reply, "Irrigation and crop rotation.”
“The best part of the word "booboo" is the breast. While the word doesn't suck, it is quite suckable.”
“Now that parking meters have shifted from quarters to credit cards, I worry someone will steal my identity, my wallet, and my car and drive around town parking all over the place.”
“I watched a bowl of fruit on the table remain motionless. Just another example of life imitating art.”
“The first man to successfully clone himself deserves to pat himself on the back. And then give himself a back massage.”
“Of all the smiths from goldsmiths to John Smiths, the most powerful is the wordsmith, because he can influence your emotions and cognitions. And while you are standing there pondering what he said, he can rob you of your gold and your identity.”
“In LaLa Land, there is only one kind of sex that's logical. In a made-up land, such as LaLa Land, the citizens are forever engaging in make-up sex.”
“I stepped on a banana spider today. I didn't crush it, but I did slip and fall. Then I got bit by one of the Three Stooges, possibly John McCain.”
“I've eaten cat food before. Of course, the menu listed it as "Chicken Lo Mein.”
“I don't know what love is, but I know what love isn't. Love isn't a peanut butter and tuna sandwich, because no young man should spend his time searching for his "once in a lifetime." Take it from me, a love like that doesn't exist. And if it did, I'd have already eaten it.”