Jarod Kintz
This is it, this is my biography. The story of Jarod Kintz begins now.
Let’s knock out the trivial first. I was born in Salt Lake City on March 5th. Now that you know my birthday, please feel free to get me birthday presents. Notice how I used the plural, presents? More than one gift would be greatly appreciated. Appropriate gifts include gold coins, bars of silver, and large tracts of land (preferably beachfront property). Or you could just buy me a drink—soda, natural, because I don’t drink either alcohol or high fructose corn syrup.
Skipping ahead a few years, and a few hundred miles, we come to Denver, Colorado. For a few years I attended Mackintosh Academy. In the second grade, along with English, I studied French, Spanish, and Japanese. Out of all those language classes, I remember one word: Andrea. That was my girlfriend at the time, the one who left me for my best friend. I guess I remember two words, as I remember his name too, but his name is almost sacred, as a name that shall never be uttered.
Right after second grade ended my family moved to Jacksonville, Florida. It was Jacksonville that I would come to know as home, and would attend the rest of my schooling until college.
At this point I was a mediocre student. I believe I had a perfect 2.0 grade point average from third grade until I graduated from high school. My favorite classes were art, P.E., and lunch. Oh, is one of those not a class? No way—I believe art is still considered a class.
When not cracking jokes in class, I would be doing one of three things: drawing, passing notes, or sleeping. In high school I started to not only be mentally absent from class, but physically gone too. I’d skip class like a flat rock skips across a pond.
After high school, it was on to college. In all I have attended six colleges. I bounced around like a dodgeball on a trampoline. If you count the college classes I took starting my junior year of high school, then I got my four-year degree in nine years. And if you’re going to do something, you might as well do it at least twice as well as everybody else—or at least at least twice as long.
I graduated with an English degree from the University of Florida, but I took creative writing classes from both UF and Florida State University. All though college I fancied myself a fancy man, because I was an aspiring writer. Mostly I wrote t-shirt slogans and other pithy things. In the spring of 2005 I did manage to sell a line of t-shirts to Urban Outfitters.
That is my lone success in life. Seriously. Well, so far anyway. But my story is just beginning. I plan on failing my way to success. I have been rejected by literary agents, publishers, MFA programs, all sorts of women. But still I keep writing.
I have written many “books,” and I use the term books loosely. Mostly they are just compilations of my random thoughts and one-liners. But I like writing them, and people seem to like reading them. and that’s what it’s all about, right?
All my books are self-published, either through iUniverse or the wonderful Amazon Kindle program. I encourage everybody to write. Share yourself with the world. If there is one thing I like to impress upon people, it’s that you can do it, even if you can’t. Just keep can’ting until eventually you can. And you can quote me on that.
“Every new thought of mine is like my child. And as soon as it is conceived, I must abandon it. I might return to dote on it later, or I might try to strangle it or drown it with logic.”
“They say there are 7 billion people on earth. I don't know what accountant came up with that number, but in my humble opinion, they might have been off by at least a dozen. You see, my and my friends were hiding during the count.”
“I am going to think of you every time I don't have sex. So that'll mean I'll always be thinking of you.”
“I'm really going to freak out if I don't get into Histrionics 101. And if I get in, I'll also freak out.”
“People who collect books, and categorize them by Roy G. Biv instead of alphabetically, are displaying the fact that their books aren't meant to be read, but merely looked at. And while they are busy looking at the rainbow of books, they're missing the pots of gold inside.”
“My father is half man, half Zeus. That makes me one quarter fake God. But that's better than being one quarter nickel.”
“Rain, it always reminds me of water. And you know how much I love things that remind me of other things. Say, that reminds me...”
“I wouldn't mind showering in the rain, if there weren't so many naked men holding umbrellas standing behind me. Who invited Congress?”
“I keep my valuable things locked up. Everybody does. Therefore, criminals must be valuable.”
“I find wisdom in the waves. Goodbye is a hello to a life without you.”
“Don’t point your accusatory finger at me, unless you want me to wrap my hand around it, grip it tight, and jerk it off. That’s how a real politician defers blame.”
“Artists have to have a good eye. And to be great, I'd recommend having two.”
“God created the heavens, while the devil created doubt. Here is a short list of Lucifer's other notable inventions: matches, the lighter, the flamethrower, and George Burns.”
“The devil appears in many forms, but the most nefarious of all are tax forms.”
“God, the devil, and Orafoura were walking along a river one day when they came across three naked women splashing in the water. God turned to the other two and said, "Ten talents to the one who can get them fully clothed the fastest." The devil, always money hungry, went first and tried to reverse seduce them. This took him fifteen minutes. Going back in time to their original nakedness, God went next and snapped his fingers and instantly they were clothed. Going back in time again, it was then Orafoura's turn. He crouched and crawled quietly up to the reeds by the river and sat down. Fifteen, thirty, forty-five minutes passed and nothing happened. Finally, God asked him what he was doing. Orafoura replied, "Watching. I'd have squandered my talents at the strip club anyway.”
“The longest I have ever gone without sex is sixteen years. But to my credit, elementary and middle school were rough dating years.”
“I've always been one to share things. Particularly things like responsibility and blame.”
“Everybody who is 100 was at one time 25. But not everybody who is 25 will live to see 100. Likewise, everyone who has a big nose at onetime had a small nose. However, not everyone with a small nose also has a small penis.”
“If science took my IQ and spread it evenly among the world's population, like mental mayonnaise, we'd have more art, less war, and higher cholesterol.”
“When tragedy befalls me and someone says, "Better you than me," I always reply, "Yes, I am better than you.”
“I drew a self-portrait of myself, drawn with my eyes closed from a memory someone else may or may not have had of me. After I drew it I made the remark, "Gee, I guess someone thinks I am a dog.”
“I was recently diagnosed with dyslexia and restless leg syndrome. The doctor arrived at this prognosis after my arm wouldn't stop shaking.”
“I drew the outline of a flag blowing in the wind. I decided to leave it an outline, because that made it look like the empty symbol I hold it to be. There's no hiding behind a see-through flag.”
“I used to think I knew what love was, but here recently it has been revealed to me that what I thought was love, was actually lasagna. Still, I cling to my maxim: love is tasty.”
“I'm not interested in you as a person. I am, however, interested in you as a banana.”
“My niece just turned one. I gave her a birthday card that read, "If you can read this, Happy Birthday!”
“I meant to spend the day writing, but instead I spent the afternoon cleaning out my belly button. Historians will thank me one day.”
“I have women all over the world. In New York, London, Los Angeles. I think what they find most appealing about me is the distance.”
“If my penis were big enough to be mistaken for a leg, I am not sure I'd want the world to know. However, I would walk up and down the stairs a lot. What you'd call masturbation, I'd call exercise.”
“On his deathbed, my grandpa told me three things to remember for after he died. First he said, "You can't own a cat. Ever." Second he told me, "Friendly boys make friendly friends." Finally he said, "You were adopted, just like your father before you, and his father before him." "So," I said, "you were adopted?" "Of course not!" he replied. "Your father's not my son, just like he's not your father." And to this day I am still confused. I have no idea why I can't own a cat.”
“On any job application I ever do, if they want my references, I always list the Bible.”
“Obviousism—I would give you a definition, but the definition would only be an example of the word.”
“Three people are interviewing for a job. The first thinks his odds are 33.3 percent of landing the job. The second guy, so sure of himself, thinks his odds are 100 percent. The third guy, however, knows he has a 50 % chance of getting the job, and a 25 % chance of getting convicted of murder. He likes those odds.”
“I am not the monster you think I am. No, I am an entirely different monster. I'm sort of like a mixture between Bigfoot and a shaved beaver.”
“We all make mistakes. Some just manufacture them in a factory and sell them to the public.”
“Most people have a list of 100 books to read before they die, or 100 places to visit. Not me. I have a list of 100 birthdays to see. No need to write them down, they're simply 50 through 150. Another list of mine is 100 people to meet before I die who look exactly like me, thanks to the miracle of cloning.”
“If a magic genie, from a lamp, offered me three wishes, I'd use one to wish you a happy birthday. So 33 percent would be spent in your celebration. I only offer that statistic so you don't think me chintzy when you find this card void of cash.”
“There is nothing more enjoyable than being a member of an enlightened group of people that meets in complete darkness in complete secrecy. I have no idea why the other members joined, when they joined, how they joined, or if, in fact, there are any other members.”
“How many birthdays can you fit in a shoebox? I guess that depends both on how old you are, and what size shoe you wear.”
“There is one tree in Gainesville I call "Grandfather" because it looks like a giant Bonsai tree. Well, that and I actually thought it was my mother's father for the longest time.”
“I can go from zero to sixty in 59 M.P.H.”
“Some men want to go out with a bang. Personally, I'd rather not die from sex. I mean, what will my wife think when the police tell her?”
“How many birthdays can you fit in your lifetime? If you answered "All of them," you should have your genitals ripped out from underneath your father's pillowcase.”
“If you forget your manners, you can always borrow mine. I won't be using them.”
“Sometimes I pretend I'm from the 19th century. Then I drive around and say, Wow! So this is what the future's like, huh?”
“If love looked like a deer, smelled like a deer, and ran like a deer, then I wouldn't passively wait for it to find me. Nope, I'd seek it out at 60 MPH, and then run it over.”
“I watch my feet as I walk along. Left, right, left, right, why is everything about politics?”
“Birthdays: without them we'd be immortal. But just because you're not immortal, doesn't mean you can't be immature indefinitely.”
“Life's too short to take yourself seriously, and too long to take a wife jokingly.”
“I made a t-shirt that says, "Today's my birthday" on it, so that I can ask for hugs from strangers and point to the text on my tee as the reason why they should oblige. It's not a once-a-year t-shirt, as I wear it every Tuesday.”