Jarod Kintz
This is it, this is my biography. The story of Jarod Kintz begins now.
Let’s knock out the trivial first. I was born in Salt Lake City on March 5th. Now that you know my birthday, please feel free to get me birthday presents. Notice how I used the plural, presents? More than one gift would be greatly appreciated. Appropriate gifts include gold coins, bars of silver, and large tracts of land (preferably beachfront property). Or you could just buy me a drink—soda, natural, because I don’t drink either alcohol or high fructose corn syrup.
Skipping ahead a few years, and a few hundred miles, we come to Denver, Colorado. For a few years I attended Mackintosh Academy. In the second grade, along with English, I studied French, Spanish, and Japanese. Out of all those language classes, I remember one word: Andrea. That was my girlfriend at the time, the one who left me for my best friend. I guess I remember two words, as I remember his name too, but his name is almost sacred, as a name that shall never be uttered.
Right after second grade ended my family moved to Jacksonville, Florida. It was Jacksonville that I would come to know as home, and would attend the rest of my schooling until college.
At this point I was a mediocre student. I believe I had a perfect 2.0 grade point average from third grade until I graduated from high school. My favorite classes were art, P.E., and lunch. Oh, is one of those not a class? No way—I believe art is still considered a class.
When not cracking jokes in class, I would be doing one of three things: drawing, passing notes, or sleeping. In high school I started to not only be mentally absent from class, but physically gone too. I’d skip class like a flat rock skips across a pond.
After high school, it was on to college. In all I have attended six colleges. I bounced around like a dodgeball on a trampoline. If you count the college classes I took starting my junior year of high school, then I got my four-year degree in nine years. And if you’re going to do something, you might as well do it at least twice as well as everybody else—or at least at least twice as long.
I graduated with an English degree from the University of Florida, but I took creative writing classes from both UF and Florida State University. All though college I fancied myself a fancy man, because I was an aspiring writer. Mostly I wrote t-shirt slogans and other pithy things. In the spring of 2005 I did manage to sell a line of t-shirts to Urban Outfitters.
That is my lone success in life. Seriously. Well, so far anyway. But my story is just beginning. I plan on failing my way to success. I have been rejected by literary agents, publishers, MFA programs, all sorts of women. But still I keep writing.
I have written many “books,” and I use the term books loosely. Mostly they are just compilations of my random thoughts and one-liners. But I like writing them, and people seem to like reading them. and that’s what it’s all about, right?
All my books are self-published, either through iUniverse or the wonderful Amazon Kindle program. I encourage everybody to write. Share yourself with the world. If there is one thing I like to impress upon people, it’s that you can do it, even if you can’t. Just keep can’ting until eventually you can. And you can quote me on that.
“She’s ultra conservative, while I am ultraviolet. I would show, but I’m beyond what anybody can see. I made her look like Helen Keller, with a wig and makeup, and I also made her look like Helen Keller in that she could look but she could not see.”
“I don't know where to look for jobs, so I think I'll check out the unemployment office. They maybe hiring.”
“Birthdays, like women named Bertha, are not named after great Aunt Natalie. But you, Natalie, just might be. I’m named after my uncle Birthday, who never had one since he died in the womb.”
“Some people create war and misery, some create wealth and money, and some create ideas and art. But we all create our own deaths, fashioned out of our lives. Nobody will remember how you died, if nobody remembers how you lived. Forgoing freak accidents, we all choose how we die by how we live. Suicide, old age, AIDS, Cirrhosis of the liver, our deaths tell of how we lived. And even in a freak accident, if we are worth remembering, our lives will overshadow our deaths. If Henry Ford had gotten run over by a Mercedes, people would still remember him as the driver of the hit and run that changed history with his automobile assembly lines.”
“A tree once saved my life. A posse was going to hang me, but this wise old oak would not let them. As a token of my gratitude to that tree, I used it for furniture instead of firewood.”
“Funerals and weddings often take place in the same location. Some would also argue that they sometimes happen at the same time too.”
“Love is to beer as I am to drunk. And you say I’m not romantic. Shoot, I’m so romantic I could just puke.”
“This is America. Every vote counts. Sometimes twice, if it helps me get elected.”
“I keep a large map of the world hanging above my bed. Everybody wants to own land, but I want to own the oceans.”
“I’m unemployed, so I’m seeking a handjob.”
“Yeah, I enjoy musical chairs. My furniture is deaf, so it gets rather interesting.”
“If my skin wasn’t flesh, but was tinfoil, I’d probably not only be left-handed, but I’d be a leftover. I guess the real question is, Would you rather make love to me or make dinner?”
“I found a pristine lake, undisturbed by man. So, of course I had to clang a few pots and piss in the lake, to really disturb it.”
“I am an uncle, though this is not a new feeling for me, as I’ve been one before. I’ve also been 2 through 32, and I turn 33 in March.”
“Things to do in an elevator: Install a glass display, like in a museum, over the floor buttons and have a sign affixed to the glass that reads, “Do Not Touch.”
“I rearranged the letters of the word “neologism” to make the word neologism itself a neologism, as well as an anagram. The new word I made? It happens to be the name of the spaceship I’m building: Moon Legs I.”
“I like movies that keep me guessing until the end. I always guess flowers, because no matter what type of movie, whether romance, mystery, or horror, nobody suspects the flowers.”
“If I were to hold up a bank with my index finger and my thumb as the “gun,” then I hope I wouldn’t try to use half my weapon to hitchhike my escape from the police.”
“I could have murdered a man today, but by not doing so I saved his life, and thus became a hero to myself. I’m like that all the time. Being heroic, I mean.”
“I can’t remember the last time I had fun. Wait, yes I can. It was 1989, and I was wearing a t-shirt that said, “Communism, like the mullet, will never go out of style.”
“I am submitting two pieces to be excluded in your show. Thank you for your inconsideration.”
“Rage is a big part of courage. So is cou.”
“How many ways can I say “I love you”? I could say it in another language, like French. I could say it through action, like a kiss. Or I could say it indirectly, like telling your best friend, April. Yes, I think I’m ready to tell April I love her.”
“I wrote a zen koan once about love, but it didn’t make any sense. That’s how I knew I had accurately described love.”
“I need love. Here’s a list of other things I need: eggs, butter, flour, and sugar. I’m making a cake for the woman I love—and another one for my lover.”
“A condom prevents life. A gun takes life. Would a condom over the barrel of a gun prevent one life from taking another?”
“Diversity is like a buffet, only with people. That’s why I like associating with individuals who are as close to macaroni and cheese as humanly possible.”
“I haven’t had a birthday party in a while, probably because I’m not really into celebrating myself. Especially not for an achievement (the creation of me) that I did not contribute too.”
“What do I do for fun? Well, I’d love to get into the bank robbing business, but government work is not for me.”
“I really relate to you,” I said to my dad. “I can tell we’re in the same boat, because I’m rowing.” When I found out I was going to be a father, I wanted to meet a man I’d never met—my dad, who also just found out he was a father when I introduced myself. I never got to tell him I loved him before he died, but from the way I gently but forcefully held his head underwater, I think he could tell.”
“She wants the kids, the cars, the house, and the white picket fence. I said sure, I can give you a fence.”
“The Book of Us. I’m writing it. And you’re in it.”
“I couldn’t steal an idea. Not even if my clone came up with it. But I could steal your heart—even if my clone had it stored in a cryogenic freezer.”
“When someone is talking about their job, and they turn to me and ask me what I do, I stare off into space, let my eyes glaze over, and wistfully say, “I often wonder what I’m doing.”
“She always looks like she’s about to break into laughter. He always looks like he’s about to break into her house. I don’t care what he takes, so long as it’s me who steals her heart. I’ve already got a buyer lined up in Russia.”
“If I were a hermaphrodite, and someone told me to go fuck myself, I'd reply, "Why thank you. I think I will!”
“What is life without death? That's like asking what is peanut butter without jelly? Or a baseball game on TV and changing the channel? Or government without taxes? Actually, I like those last two.”
“What is it about money that makes people kill for it? I’ll have to think about that next time I do it.”
“I couldn’t agree more. That doesn’t mean I agree. In fact, I completely disagree. And since I so thoroughly disagree, I couldn’t agree more.”
“We’re different, you and I. I am a Rorschach Test, and you, you are a butterfly. No, wait, you are a bat. Actually, you are the Galapagos Islands. Or perhaps you are a failed Pollack painting.”
“You might think there is nothing more patriotic than dying for your country, but I think there is nothing more patriotic than living for your country.”
“Yesterday I went to see a doctor. I woke up with a sore throat, congested sinuses, and invisibility. But when I got to the doctor’s office, he refused to see me.”
“I look for patterns that nobody else does. Like I noticed that my face looks like a tablecloth. Especially when I have food all over it.”
“I bought a bag of chips at the store, and the cashier asked if I wanted a bag. I said, No thanks. It already comes with a bag.”
“I’m like Twain, Nietzsche, and Dali in that I have three mustaches. (I have two of them disguised as eyebrows). Women love men like me, like my clones.”
“I am the lingering blinker clicking rhythmically long after the dotted line has been crossed. I’m the most courteous fuck you on the road.”
“When I write I am an avocado, and in a team sport setting, I am guacamole. And not to sour cream on your dreams, but with my love life, I am a nacho.”
“Days turn into weeks, which turn into months, which turn into years, which turn into decades, which turn into cemeteries. But love is eternal.”
“I wish I could climb the corporate ladder like I could climb a tree, but I can’t, because I’m afraid of heights. And bark.”
“I think the best time to launch an assault on a city would be not only in the middle of the night, but also the middle of the sixteenth century. Yawn if you agree.”