Steven Wright

“Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.”

“The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.”

“Everyone who believes in psychokinesis raise my hand.”

“To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.”

“I was trying to daydream but my mind kept wandering.”

“is it good if a vacume really sucks?”

“always remember your unique, just like everone else”

“Write from Beyond what you know. From the authority of your senses." -author of Meditations in Green”

“Una conciencia tranquila es generalmente el signo de una mala memoria”

“You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment and nobody else shows up and you think maybe that's part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time.”

“My nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it's unbelievably clear.”

“They say the universe is expanding. That should help ease the traffic.”

“You cant have everything. Where would you put it?”

“A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.”

“My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.”

“The early bird may get the worm, but it's the second mouse who gets the cheese.”

“I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier theywouldn't have to go so fast.”

“I installed a skylight in my apartment...The people who live above me arefurious!”

“When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year.I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.”

“If a word in the dictionary were mispelled, how would we know?”

“I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.”

“The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.”

“If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?”

“Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on theroad an hour.”

“Hermits have no peer pressure.”

“When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.”

“You can't have everything ... where would you put it?”

“I spilled spot remover on my dog; now he's gone.”

“Women. Can't live with 'em, can't shoot 'em.”

“I had a dream that all the babies prevented by the pill showed up. They were mad.”

“If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?”

“If Dracula can't see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?”

“I'm not afraid of heights, I'm afraid of widths.”

“Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.”

“I went into a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.”

“I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.”

“Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.”

“Once I tried to kill myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.”

“I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates".”

“If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.”

“If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.”

“24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?”

“When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?”

“i busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.”

“You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time...”

“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.”

“On the other hand, you have different fingers.”

“It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.”

“I named my dog Stay, so I can say, 'Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!”

“The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.”